Foreseer44's The Ridonculous Race: Season 2
by Foreseer44
Summary: 12 teams made of 20 reality TV newcomers and four TD vets embark on an epic race around the world for the million dollar prize. Trusts will be made, trusts will be broken, romance will bloom, romance will wilt, dreams will be made, dreams will be crushed. Not everyone is as they seem, but everyone is here to win at all costs.
1. Race of Heathens

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing but my original characters.**

 **~A/N~ No, your eyes do not deceive you. This is indeed a new story from Foreseer44, and it's another competition fic. I know I have one going on already with Round Trip, but this is an idea I've been tossing around for a while that I couldn't just ignore, and with my 2nd anniversary coming up, I couldn't not do this.**

 **First of all, this story does contain mostly characters of my own creation. This is NOT a SYOC story, so no auditioning is needed. If I'm writing about original characters, I want them to be my own and with no ties to the readers. Only I know my characters, and only you know yours. I'm not being mean. It's just my stance on this kind of stuff. ;)**

 **Second of all, there are TD characters here. Four to be exact, much like the first season. I can't promise that everyone will be happy about who I picked, but I have my reasons.**

 **Third, this season will be 13 episodes long, not 26. There are only 12 teams and I wanted to make sure no one gets left behind while also making sure no plots go on forever this time. That was my main issue with season one, so I'm hoping to test a shorter format with this project.**

 **Lastly, I hope you all enjoy. It's going to be a wild ride. :)**

 **CAST PHOTO:** **foreseer44. deviantart art/Foreseer-s-TDRR2-Cast-Coming-April-26th-596364407 (Fill in the blanks or just check out my DA because links are a bitch.)**

* * *

 _Episode 1: Race of Heathens_

* * *

(The Ridonculous Race logo appears on screen for a second before disappearing in a flash.)

The Toronto skyline was covered in a rainy mist, painting it ghostly grey. Drops of dew gathered on every surface, tripping up the occasional pedestrian. Lake Ontario was bursting with swirls, created by early risen fish hungry for a meal. A small yacht streamed across the surface and cast a wake of mist into the air.

A handsome, middle-aged man stood on the bow, akimbo and confident. His light brown hair and pale green jacket blew back in the breeze as the boat centered in on the Toronto lake shore in the shadow of the CN Tower.

"This is Toronto, heart of Canada, and center of this humble nation. As I speak, twelve teams of two are arriving at the CN Tower for the adventure of a lifetime. Over the next month, they'll be racing across the globe, experiencing the cultures, wonders, and dangers of this world. I'm your host, Don, and this is..." The camera zoomed in on the host's chiseled face and she flashed a smile. "The Ridonculous Race!"

* * *

 _A view of the world from space fades in as a yellow beam of light traces around the globe._

 _Don pops up and the camera zooms in on the Earth, racing through clouds until a white flash ends the journey._

 _A giant travel tip appears in the foreground and turns into three lanes, one red, one, yellow, and one green. Four silhouette teams race down each lane with the top and bottom lanes going right and the center going left._

 _In lane one: a large girl and a lanky male running awkwardly, two skinny males with baggy clothes, a male and female in boots and cowboy hats, a tall male running next to a short male._

 _In lane two: a wide-hipped girl with large hair and a skinny girl with a longer neck carrying a purse, two bulky men with huge upper bodies, a male and female with skinny frames and perfect figure, a man and woman with huge coats running with their hands out to their sides, curved at the elbows._

 _In lane three: a fat guy and a skinny guy, two pudgy women with thick thighs, two average sized women wearing hats, two skinny girls in t-shirts and jeans._

 _The lanes turn ninety degrees and show a bus, a plane, and a train in each column._

 _A taxi stops on screen and opens the door. The team pictures fly on screen and form three rows of four in the same order from their lanes._

 _The screen cuts to black..._

* * *

Don docked the yacht and jumped ship, landing on the wooden pier. As he made his way to concrete, he looked into the camera. "Welcome to season two of The Ridonculous Race. It's time to meet the 12 teams who will embark on the journey of a lifetime." He stopped in front of the CN Tower as taxis and buses roared to a halt alongside the sidewalk.

 **"Clint and Annie: Dating Cow-Folk..."**

A cowboy and a cowgirl, both in their late teens exited the bus and gave each other romantic stares. Clint wore a plaid button-up with a red and white pattern, a white hat, tattered jeans, and snake-skin boots. Annie wore the same outfit, but with a blue and white plaid shirt instead. They pecked a kiss and smiled, looking into each other's eyes.

* * *

 **Confessional: Cow-Folk**

Clint takes a break from looking into his girl's eyes and looks to the camera. "Annie and I met in middle school," he says with a slight southern drawl. "We were both into Ag. classes and things just happened... and our mommas liked us. Now we're the closest pair in history. Sometimes we do ropin' on the weekends, sometimes we hit the lake, but it's always me and Annie, all day, everyday."

Annie blushes and hugs her boyfriend. "We're perfect. I ain't never givin' you up, baby. That's why we'll win this thing, no doubt."

 **End Confessional: Cow-Folk**

* * *

A taxi opened and two middle-aged women stepped out.

 **"Tracy and Betty: Lunch Ladies..."**

Tracy wore a red bandana over her greying curly hair. Her t-shirt was solid grey while her pants were cargo camo. She wore combat boots that looked worn and aged. Betty was much less radical. Her hair was dark brown and short. She wore a pink sweater and grey yoga pants that were a little too small in certain areas. Her feet were covered by plain old tennis shoes.

* * *

 **Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

Tracy cracks her knuckles. "Y'never gonna see anotha' lunch lady like us," she says in a Boston accent. "I've been through the war, and Betty here's been through six childbirths, two without pain killa'."

"We're not your typical elementary school cafeteria workers," Betty chuckles. "You can count on that. By day, we serve crud; by night, we hit the gym. Ha!"

 **End Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

* * *

A pair of familiar faces arrived at the foot of the tower. One was a big-boned black teen with a long weave and a booty like no other. The other was a lanky ginger teen in glasses with a body like a pencil.

 **"LeShawna and Harold: The Dream Team..."**

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

LeShawna clocks her head. "That's right, baby! LeShawna's in the house! Ain't nobody but us winnin' this season."

Harold adjusts his glasses. "We were on Total Drama and lost three times each, so we joined this show to make up for it. My bodacious LeShawna and I shall not taste defeat again!" He does a karate chop and accidentally huts the camera guy to his right who responds with an "Ow!"

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

Two black guys stepped off the bus. Both had baggy jeans, grey hoodies with their initials, and green beanies along with stylish dreads. One was tall and lanky while the other was shorter and chubby.

 **"Bobby-Z and Shark Attack: The Rappers..."**

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

Bobby-Z grabs his gold chain and holds it out to the camera. "See this Canada? This is what hard work gets 'ya! Two years of sweatin' in the studio, workin' two jobs each, and goin' to school gets ya' somewhere, and we're the proof."

Shark Attack lets out a sigh. "Yeah, man. But we ain't doin' well in the charts though. We gotta get some sales."

Bobby-Z nods in agreement. "That's why we're here, bro. That's why we're here."

They share a hug.

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

Two adults in fur coats and luxury attire stepped onto the street once the camera man placed a mat on the pavement.

 **"Eustace and Angelina: The Top One Percent"**

Eustace was tall and handsome with slick, black hair. His face was clean shaven and free of blemishes. The tycoon wore a layer of mink skin around his chest and designer pants around his legs. The dark purple shirt he wore gave him a royal flair. His luxury shoes were like mirrors and reflected his smile.

Angelina was tall, blonde, and gorgeous. Her face was toned and obviously a result of millions of dollars spent on plastic surgery. She wore a silk vest and a red undershirt with a designer skirt around her waist. Her high heels clicked the ground she walked on.

* * *

 **Confessional: Top One Percent**

Eustace takes a sip of wine. "Our closest acquaintances told us they we'd lose this race, but they shall be proven wrong by the end of this month when we return with yet another million."

Angelina cackles like a witch. "Yes, they said those _peasants_ would beat _us,_ the richest couple in all of Nova Scotia! Hilarious, no?"

"Quite, my dear" Eugene chuckles, taking another sip of wine. "Quite."

 **End Confessional: Top One Percent**

* * *

Two girls walked up to the tower and smiled among the crowd.

 **"Valerie and Vicki: Samaritans..."**

Valerie wore a baseball cap with her sunglasses perched on its brim. She had long locks of blonde curls dangling from her head and eyes that looked tired. Her sweater was light blue and had a big heart on it. Her jeans and shoes were plain and average.

Vicki wore a bandana around her head, encasing the top of her straight, brown hair. She wore glasses and had freckles while her face was pretty average to say the least. Her body was somewhat thick and encased by a green sweater with a heart, matching her friend's.

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

Valerie smiles and puts her hand to her heart. "It's sooo great to be here. We love traveling and helping the less fortunate, and this show gives us an opportunity to do just that."

Vicki smiles as well. "Yeah, we'd be really sad if we didn't get a chance to help starving children in Africa or child laborers in China. It's our calling in life."

 **End Confessional: Samaritans**

* * *

 **"Charlie and Mick: Professional Wrestlers..."**

Two incredibly buff men exited the bus wearing nothing but matching workout shorts. Charlie was dark-skinned with tattoos across his arms and nappy hair on his head while Mick was fair-skinned with short, brown hair and a single tattoo of a jaguar on his arm.

* * *

 **Confessional: Wrestlers**

Mick pumps some weights as Charlie flexes.

"We're the toughest guys this show will ever see," Mick says nonchalantly in his deep voice. "Five champ belts, seven broken noses, two cracked ribs, all child's play for us."

"Yeah," Charlie boasts. "Time to put those other teams in the headlock of the century. Count to ten and throw some chairs, 'cause Team Marlie's bringing these teams to their knees, tag-team style!"

 **End Confessional: Wrestlers**

* * *

 **Anne Maria and Nicki: Jersey Chicks** from, well, Jersey!"

Anne Maria we all know, but her friend, Nicki, was tall, slender, and endowed with the neck of a giraffe. For size reference, it was about the height of her head. Her hair was tied back in a bun. Her figure was stick-like. She carried a very fancy purse on her tanned arm and wore a red dress with a pink top underneath.

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

Anne Maria files her nails and sprays her hair with spray. "So, I don't, like, really wanna be here, but Nicki dragged me along. So yeah, blame her if I die on this show."

Nicki puts some powder on her face. "C'mon, gurl, lighten up. This show's gonna be great for our image. We might even meet a hot Brazilian guy! Eh? Sound like fun?"

"Total Drama was a waste'a my time," says the tan-in-a-can girl. "This show ain't no different. Just watch us get cheated out again, Nick!"

"Annie, you're worried 'bout nothin'," Nicki says. "Just have fun and relax, doll."

Anne Maria stares into the camera with a bitter expression.

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

 **"Joel and Natalie: Anchors** from your local news..."

Joel was dressed in a typical adventure outfit: cargo shorts, a plain blue t-shirt, sandals, and a watch. Oh, and perfect hair, combed up into the Tin-tin style. Natalie was a Latin beauty with brown curls in a ponytail and a thick waist. She wore a blue top and black jeans with sandals. Her face was somewhat pudgy, but still cute. Both were barely adults.

* * *

 **Confessional: Anchors**

Joel whips out his camera and snaps a picture. "This just in: local anchors from Whatchimacallit win the million! Stand by for details. Now here's, Natalie with the weather report!"

Natalie smiles to the camera. "Our radar shows signs of precipitation... salty, bitter precipitation..."

Joel raises his brow. "Uh, they're crying, right? That's the joke? I wasn't sure if-"

Natalie slaps her forehead. "Joel, Joel, Joel..."

 **End Confessional: Anchors**

* * *

 **"Drew and Jake: Brothers..."**

Drew walked on screen. He was average and plain, but well dressed in a green sports t-shirt with the number four on it and white, polka dot basketball shorts. His black hair was combed back nicely and his glasses were clean of scratches.

The camera panned down and showed Jake waddling alongside his older brother, trying to keep up on account of his disorder. He was short at only four feet in height, but smiled brightly. He had short black hair and a goatee.

* * *

 **Confessional: Brothers**

Jake rolls his eyes. "I know, I know," he says in a high pitched voice. "I'm a dwarf. That doesn't mean I can't go the distance with these strong teams."

"He's been called every name in the book," Drew says, patting his brother on the back. "Midget, Ewok, Munchkin, Shortround, all of them. He's stronger than almost everyone here, though."

"I didn't let it get me down," the dwarf says proudly. "Now I'm here with my brother and we're gonna win at all costs. I got something to prove, y'know. Big things come in small packages, so I think we'll do well... unless Drew screws it up."

Drew gets up and walks off.

 **End Confessional: Brothers**

* * *

 **"Holly and Caitlyn: Pranksters..."**

Don looked around and saw that the pranksters were nowhere to be seen. It didn't take long for the realization to hit him.

Out of nowhere, an egg flew out of thin air and struck Don in the chest, splattering his jacket with yolk. "And that's an extra twenty on the dry-cleaning bill..."

Holly and Caitlyn emerged from the alley behind Don and stood at the starring line. Holly was blonde and pale with a sideways baseball cap, a pink top, and blue skinny jeans. Caitlyn was dark-haired and Asian with short hair, a pink top, and black jeans. They high-fived and shimied past Don as the host sneered their way.

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

Holly flashes a sign. "Yo, YouTube, it's Holly and Cait, here on season two of The Ridonculous Race. Thanks so much, you guys. The support has been amazing."

Cait smiles to the camera. "Two years ago, we never thought we'd end up being so big, and we have you to thank for all the likes, comments, and subscriptions to our show. When we win, we win for you guys. Ready to see us prank the world and-"

Don interrupts from the fourth wall. "Yeah, uh, this thing has enough commercials as is."

Holly throws another egg at the camera and Don screams.

"Not the jacket! Not the jacket!"

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

"And lastly, **Sam and Kenny: Professional Gamers..."**

Sam was back, but Kenny was all new. The teen was Asian and wore a black shirt with the triforce on it, as well as regular blue jeans. He had short peachfuzz on his upper lip and arms like sticks. His hair, matted and messy, spiked up.

* * *

 **Confessional: Gamers**

Sam plays his handheld and chuckles. "Yeah, this is the life, huh, Ken? Just a month of gaming around the world."

Kenny nods. "Yeah, maybe we'll even visit Japan and see all the awesome exclusive merchandise?!"

Sam doesn't even look up, but smiles. "Yeah, hehe. Killer."

Kenny leans in to the camera. "I beat him every time."

"I heard that!"

 **End Confessional: Gamers**

* * *

 _ **The Cast**_

 **Clint and Annie: Cow-Folks**

 **Tracy and Betty: Lunch Ladies**

 **Harold and LeShawna: Dream Team**

 **Valerie and Vicki: Samaritans**

 **Sam and Ken: Gamers**

 **Eustace and Angelina: Top One Percent**

 **Anne Maria and Nicki: Jersey Chicks**

 **Drew and Jake: Brothers**

 **Bobby-Z and Shark Attack: Rappers**

 **Joel and Natalie: Anchors**

 **Charlie and Mick: Wrestlers**

 **Holly and Caitlyn: Pranksters**

* * *

The twelve teams gathered behind the starting line in the order in which they arrived stretching across the sidewalk in front of the CN Tower. Don stood blocking the entrance with arms spread wide.

"Welcome... to The Ridonculous Race!"

The cast burst out cheering, minus a few certain individuals who just wanted to get out or get started.

"I know you're all excited to race, so I'll make things short. At each leg of our race is a Chill Zone. Reach it last and you could be going home, but reach the last Chill Zone after 13 hard fought rounds of racing and you win-"

"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" screamed the cast.

"Minus taxes," Harold coughed.

"This is your starting line: the foot of the CN Tower, where our first race began exactly one year ago. Inside the tower is your first Don Box containing your first travel tip of your first leg of the race. On my go, you'll race inside to find it. Following it's instructions will be vital, so read very carefully or possibly face a penalty down the line."

Don stepped forward. "However, before we start, I have some special announcements. First of all, non-elimination rounds aren't as forgiving this time around. For any team who finishes last in one of these, there awaits an additional challenge in the next round only that team will complete. We call it... The Slow-Me-Down. These aren't difficult, but they'll live up to their name. Secondly, we've added a new type of challenge to our course. What it is shall remain a mystery, but trust me when I say that it's a doozy. And third, the Boomerang has changed. This season, Boomerangs will be in the form of the Boomerang Board. Reach it before another team and you can set them up for failure. Each team can only use it once, so use it wisely. There are a few more twists, but we'll figure them out when it comes to them. That is all for now, so take your positions..."

The teams hunched down, leaned forward, oiled their gears, and waited.

"On your mark..."

Hearts beat rapidly, sweat hut the ground, feet quivered from excitement.

"Get set..."

Feet shuffled forward, eyes locked onto the tower entrance, Don was ready to jump out of the way.

" _RACE!"_

The twenty-four people charged forward and through the doors barely missing Don by an inch as he leapt to safety.

The Samaritans honed in on the Don Box and pressed the top, grabbing the paper that popped out. The Cow-Folk, Rappers, and Dream Team followed soon after and cleared away so the others could get their tips.

Valerie read the tip aloud. "Get on a bus to Sudbury, Ontario and search the grounds at the station for your next Don Box!" She turned to Vicki. "Let's go!"

The Anchors grabbed their tip and Joel laughed. "Sudbury. I used to intern there! One time, I interviewed the president of the scouts and-"

Natalie snagged him by the collar. "No time. Let's just get to the bus!"

Anne Maria read the clue aloud and Nicki perked up.

"Did you say Subway?!"

Anne Maria growled. "Sudbury! Not Subway, ya' fool."

Nicki began to lick her chops. "I could soooo go for a sub right now. Like, I could just shove that juicy footlong down my throat and go to heaven, baby!"

The Jersey Chicks looked around to see a ton of disturbed, confused, or hilarious looks.

"It was her," Nicki said poking her partner. "Annie, that's so wrong. Stop bein' a hoe and go!"

Anne Maria watched her partner run away snickering and turned to Harold and LeShawna. "Yeah, she's been dead to me for a looong time."

Harold snickered. "Ha... _footlong_."

Anne Maria punched Harold in the gut and LeShawna freaked.

"Oh, you did _not_ just do that! You did _not!"_

Anne Maria gasped and ran off after her partner with an angry LeShawna chasing her away.

Harold stood up. "She's... something else." His eyes widened and his mouth went limp.

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

"She punched you in the guts!" LeShawna argued. "How was that attractive?!"

Harold shrugs. "What can I say, I like a girl with some fight in her. But alas, you are my one and only, fair LeShawna." He gets down on his knees and takes her hand.

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, sure."

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

After all the teams had left for the station, the Top One Percent approached the Don Box. Eustace put a rubber glove on his right hand and poked the button. Angelina grabbed the clue with her gloved hands and read it aloud.

"Sudbury? That town of mining and dirt?!" Eustace gagged. "Disgusting."

The Lunch Ladies rocketed past the Cow-Folk and Pranksters to take a place near the front middle the pack.

"Wow, those old ladies can run!" Caitlyn gasped in shock. "Would make for a great video, huh?"

Holly shrugged. "I think we've been beaten in the 'old person is cool' category. Now, if we pranked them on air..."

Caitlyn and Holly shared a laugh.

The first bus was just about to leave when The Samaritans, Rappers, Anchors, Lunch Ladies, Cow-Folk, and Pranksters took their seats.

The driver closed the doors and another bus opened up as the first one sped off to the north.

* * *

The Brothers fell near the back thanks to Jake's slow running speed. The little guy pumped as fast as he could, but couldn't keep up. It wasn't long before the Top One Percent passed them up at a brisk jogging pace.

"Toodles, peasant!" Angelina cackled. "Mauahahaha!"

Drew stopped and looked to his brother. "Look, bro, I can carry-"

"No!" Jake shouted. "I can do it myself! I'm not some kid, you know."

Drew watched as Jake ran forward. He reluctantly let him be.

* * *

 **Confessional: Brothers**

"Jake's been ignoring my help since he was sixteen," Drew sighs. "I'm just trying to make his life easier."

"And it's kinda annoying," Jake says, rolling his eyes. "Just 'cause I'm small doesn't-"

"I know. It doesn't mean you aren't able, but it wouldn't hurt to let me carry you once in a while. I can run faster than half the people here."

Jake gives his brother the silent treatment.

Drew sighs. "I should've expected this."

 **End Confessional: Brothers**

* * *

The last six teams got on the second bus: Dream Team, Gamers, Jersey Chicks, Wrestlers, Top One Percent, and the Brothers.

Don arrived on set as the bus sped off. "Each bus has departed with six teams. The first bus will arrive ten minutes early, so our riders in by the second bus will need to step it up come arrival."

* * *

On the first bus, the Samaritans played a couple games of poker, the Lunch Ladies looked at the sights, the Anchors filmed the view and themselves, the Cow-Folk snuggled and kissed, the Pranksters shot dead bugs into Tracy's hair, and the Rappers jammed out to their own songs.

Joel snapped out of his photography spree and gasped. "We'll need a cab! We should reserve one just in case, y'know."

Natalie nodded in agreement and turned to the woman behind her. "Mind if I borrow your phone real quick?"

The woman handed it over and Natalie dialed the number... "Yes, I'd like to reserve a cab at the Subury bus station..."

* * *

In the second bus, Harold kept taking peaks at Anne Maria, who was trying not to slap Nicki across her face.

The Wrestlers watched the sights go by, bored out of their minds.

"C'mon..." Charlie groaned. "I want some action."

Sam and Ken played Smash Bros. on their 3DSs and got so into it they forgot about the race at hand.

The Top One Percent sat on luxury cushions from home. They purposefully lifted their feet up and kept their hands off the walls to avoid contaminating their temple-like bodies.

"Disgusting," Angelina growled.

Her partner took a sip of wine. "Yes. Quite."

The Brothers sat in silence. It was pretty awkward.

* * *

Six hours later, the first bus arrived in Sudbury, Ontario.

 _"Sudbury, Ontario, home of the Vale mining facility, the Sudbury Nickel, and the world's largest lake inside a city that no one cares about. It is here that teams will face their first test as teams and competitors."_

* * *

The Samaritans, thanks to their front seats, escaped the crowd that blocked the others from leaving as quickly.

"Alright," Vicki said, observing the horizon through the people. "Where's the Don Box?"

"There," Valerie grabbed her partner by the hand and dragged her across the street, stopping at the familiar mini-Don and getting a tip.

"It's an Either-Or!" Vicki gasped, delighted. "Pound It or Paddle It?!"

* * *

 _"In this Either-Or, teams will have the choice between two challenges. In Pound It, teams will send one of their members into a Vale mineshaft in search of marked nickels. These coins can be found by pounding the walls with a sledgehammer and searching the rubble, but only marked coins will count. Once they've found a marked coin, this local miner will give them their next tip."_

 _"In Paddle It, teams must work together to traverse the rough, chilly waters of Ramsey Lake in canoes. With only two paddles, teams will navigate the water to find three buoys marked by red, blue, and yellow flags. Once they've located all three buoys and collected three colors of flags, they'll paddle to the shoreline where they started to receive their next tip from a local guide."_

* * *

"Let's pound!" Vicki insisted. "Remember when I went into an Ethiopian mine and saved all those kids?"

"Yeah, you lost a rib!" Valerie gasped. "Horrible, but worth it for the kids."

As other teams arrived at the Don Box, the girls rushed into the nearest taxi and sped off. "To Vale!" they cheered.

The Anchors picked up their tip and agreed immediately. "Paddle It!"

However, when they went to find their reserved taxi, it was nowhere to be found. Joel looked around for it and gasped. "Someone took it! Ugh!"

"Maybe they're, I don't know, running late?" Natalie suggested with half-optimism.

"No," Joel said, getting dead serious. "Someone here is rotten to the core!"

* * *

The Samaritans enjoyed their easy taxi ride. The driver spoke up. "Glad ya' called when ya' did. I was about to doze off from boredom."

The girls froze.

"Uh, _called_?" Vicki asked nervously.

"Yeah, you reserved?"

The girls shared a fearful glance before Valerie smiled. "Sure, that's us!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

"Accident," Vicki says.

"Total accident," Valerie says nonchalantly.

 **End Confessional: Samaritans**

* * *

The Pranksters chose paddling while the Rappers, Lunch Ladies, and Cow-Folk went for pounding. The Anchors were still freaked out over their cab.

"It was cabotage!" Joel shrieked. " _Cabotage!"_

"Get over it," Tracy said, shoving the guy to the ground. Betty rolled her eyes and hailed a cab for her team.

The Rappers danced a cab to a halt with their smooth moves and jumped inside.

The Cow-Folk and Pranksters waved their cabs down and roared off in opposite directions.

Joel got to his feet and sighed. "Let's just call another-"

"Taxi!" Natalie screamed, running into the road and stopping a cab in its tracks. "Get in! Now, Joel!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Anchors**

Joel looks into the camera with a sad expression. "I'm used to reading things off a screen, so I guess having the rug yanked out from under me was a bit of a shock. Maybe it's for the better. But seriously, when I find out who stole our cab-"

"We never saw it," Natalie says, indifferent to the debacle. "We don't even know if he showed up, so drop it, okay?"

Joel sighs. "Yes, ma'am..."

 **End Confessional: Anchors**

* * *

The second bus arrived and the Wrestlers stepped off first by pushing their way through the crowds.

"There's the Box!" Mick cheered, running across the street with Charlie right behind him.

The Dream Team maneuvered through the aisles and saw the Wrestlers going for the box.

"After them!" Harold chanted, raising a fist to the air.

The Jersey Chicks, Brothers, and Gamers followed, leaving the Brothers and Top One Percent stuck in the bus behind a slow crowd.

Eustace grew impatient and shoved people out of the way. "Move aside, peasants! We're above you!"

The Brothers saw the gap in the crowd created by those snobs and ran for it, barely making it out after the Top One Percent.

At the Don Box, Mick and Charlie went with Pound It on account of their upper body strength.

Harold and LeShawna went with Pound It as well, thinking it would be easy for LeShawna to use the sledgehammer. Harold tried to insist upon paddling due to his camp experience, but got shut down when they were forced to run for a taxi.

The Gamers grabbed a tip and read it.

"I don't know, Ken," Sam said. "Neither of these look easy."

"Let's paddle," Ken said with a hint of uncertainty. "I don't do well in dark places."

* * *

 **Confessional: Gamers**

Sam and Ken are still playing on their handhelds. Sweat drips down their hair.

"I was going to do this with my gal, Dakota," Sam says. "Then they told me she was too big and I had to go with Kenny. Pfft, too big... Nobody's too big."

"Except Ridley," Ken says with a smirk.

"Don't you start!" Sam growled.

 **End Confessional: Gamers**

* * *

"I say paddlin'," Anne Maria suggested. "The last time I went into a mine, I nearly died."

"But I've never paddled," Nicki whined. "We should Pound It!"

"Uh, are you on crack? We're doin' the paddlin', and you gonna like it!"

The Jersey Chicks ran off to find a taxi while the Top One Percent and Brothers read their tips.

"Mining?" Angelina gasped. "Repulsive!"

"It says we're digging for currency!" Eustace gasped, breaking his calm composure. "We're mining!"

"We should mine," Jake said, reaching for the tip. "You know I'm not a good swimmer."

"Yeah, but you can't lift a hammer or crank the elevator down, right?" Drew looked around for a taxi. "I say we paddle."

"And I say we pound..."

"Paddle."

"Pound!"

"Paddle!"

"Pound!"

Drew threw his hands up. "Fine, let's pound, but if you can't do it, we go to the paddling ASAP."

"Deal!" Jake shook his brother's hand. "Now to find a taxi!"

* * *

 **Pound It: Samaritans, Rappers, Lunch Ladies, Cow-Folk, Wrestlers, Dream Team, Top One Percent, Brothers**

 **Paddle It: Anchors, Pranksters, Gamers, Jersey Chicks**

* * *

The first four taxis arrived at the Vale Mining Facility and the Samaritans, Rappers, Lunch Ladies, and Cow-Folk ran to the start of the challenge.

Three lifts were set up to be operated by crank and dropped down nearly half a mile.

"Only three can go!" Betty gasped. "Hurry!"

The teams ran to the lifts and the Samaritans missed out by half a second.

"Crap," Vicki said, seething.

"It's okay, we'll get our turn," Val said comforting her friend with a pat to the shoulder.

Tracy, Shark Attack, and Clint went into the lifts while Betty, Bobby-Z, and Annie cranked them down.

"Work it, baby," Clint cheered. "You got this!"

Annie pumped her arms around and around. "This is all for you, honey-bunch!"

"I love you!"

I love you too!"

Betty pumped as fast as a fifty year old woman could manage. Tracy grabbed the side of the lift and braced herself as the lift plummeted downwards.

Bobby-Z huffed and puffed as he cranked, making good time.

The Anchors and Pranksters arrived at Ramsey Lake and made a run for their canoes.

"Let's get this done," Natalie panted. "I want first place."

"Same, babe," Joel gasped as he put on his life jacket.

The Pranksters looked at the other canoes lining the beach and smiled.

"Is it really worth it?" Caitlyn asked. "I mean, it _is_ a race."

Holly fought the urge to prank, but lost control. She grabbed the oars from the other boats and tossed them in the bushes, laughing maniacally with her teammate.

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

"Just to be clear," Holly begins. "We're not evil. I mean, yeah, that was lame of us to do-"

"But it's just a joke, right?" Cait says.

"Right."

 **End Confessional**

* * *

Joel looked back to shore and gasped. "This just in: Pranksters gone bad!"

Nat looked back. "What?"

"They just threw out the other paddles! Saboteurs! Maybe-"

"Joel, I swear to God! If it's about the taxi-"

"Nevermind."

* * *

The second round of taxis arrived at the Vale Mines and set out to... wait in line.

"Are there any other lifts?" Mick asked, looking around the facility. "This can't be it?!"

"I think it is," Harold said. "Unless you think you can slide down the rope for half a mile."

Mick's eyes went wide with a shudder. "Nah, I'm good."

The first three lifts hit the ground and the three racers stepped into the long pathway of rock and lanterns. Small bits of dust floated around, obscuring the view.

Once the three stepped off the lifts, they shot back up to the surface and left them stranded a half-mile below ground.

Tracy grabbed the first hammer. "Let's get this done."

Shark Attack struggled to lift his and accidentally knocked down a lantern. "My bad, bros. My bad! You can buy another one, right?"

Clint snatched his hammer and smashed it into the first wall he could hit. Bits of rock flew out and struck him across the chest and face. He let out a cough and dropped the smile. "Finally."

At the surface, the lifts returned and the Samaritans, Wrestlers, and Dream Team all got in.

"Hold on!" Angelina stepped forward and grabbed the Dream Team's crank. "Who said you get to go?! We're rich, and you're a lot of heathens!"

"Yeah, and you're crazy, wack, cracked, did I say _crazy?_ " LeShawna said, rolling her eyes. "Crank that wheel, Harold!"

Harold brushed the snobs aside and cranked as fast as his nerd arms could move. "Aye aye, my love!"

Mick cranked Charlie down while Val went down and Vicki cranked.

However, the Samaritans, being Samaritans, decided to lend a hand.

"Hey, Brothers!" Val called. "You can come along!"

Jake and Drew lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah, you look like you need it."

Jake hurried inside the lift as Drew joined Vicki in cranking.

Eustace gasped and raised a finger. "Halt, peasants! That is breaking the rules and quite unfair, I might add!"

"Read your tip, dingus!" Vicki snorted.

"It said only three lifts operate at a time!"

"Yeah, nothing about taking down more than one at a time!"

"I call foul!" Angelina screamed. "Foul!"

* * *

The Gamers and Jersey Chicks arrived at the shoreline and jumped in their boats. Then they noticed something... off.

"Where are our paddles?" Sam asked, becoming flustered. "They supposed to be here, unless we need to find them or something."

Anne Maria looked around. "I ain't seein' any! What gives?!"

"Maybe there was only one boat with paddles?" Kenny suggested with a shrug.

"So we use our _hands?"_ Nicki asked, mouth agape. "Uh, no way. Have you seen my new nails?! These cost _forty dolla's_ at-"

Anne Maria tossed Nicki aside and shouted to Sam. "Hey, button-masha'! Wanna work together?"

Sam and Kenny both nodded, excited at the prospect of working with two hotties.

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

"Sam and I go back," Anne Maria explains. "The guy's, like, so bad with fashion and stuff, but he's a familiar face. I'd rather team up with bad design than go home first, not that I wanted to come on in the first place."

Nicki gives her a dirty look. "Yeah, team up with the gross nerds. That'll win us the dough."

"Better than teaming up with you," Anne Maria snorted.

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

Joel and Natalie reached the red buoy and plucked the flag off the top.

"This is so much easier than mining!" Joel shouted over the crashing waves and high winds.

"Yeah, but it's c-c-cold," Natalie shivered. "I wish I had a j-jacket right now."

"As long as you don't fall in, you'll be fine!"

Suddenly, the Pranksters arrived at the buoy and snatched their red flag.

"You guys look cold!" Holly laughed.

Jeol growled and pointed his oar at the blonde prankster. "Yeah, and you look like dirty thieves!"

Holly and Cait shared a nervous glance.

"You guys stole the other paddles!" Natalie hissed.

Holly chuckled and paddled forward, taking the lead. "All's fair in love and racing, plus it's gonna be hilarious on TV! And remember, it's just a prank, bro!"

Joel and Natalie rolled their eyes and kept on paddling, trying to reclaim their early lead.

* * *

The next round of lifts dropped to the bottom of the mine. Val, Jake, Charlie, and LeShawna ran out and grabbed pickaxes.

Val motioned to Jake. "Follow me, I say we work together."

Jake gave her an assuring nod. "Oh, yeah. Like an alliance. I'm game."

As Val and Jake took heed in pummeling a part of the wall, LeShawna looked at the giant black guy standing next to her and fawned. "Hey, big guy. Wanna work together on this?"

Charlie just laughed and walked off. "Sorry, babe. I only work with Mick. That's why we're the best team in our division three years running... or was it four? It's been so long and-"

LeShawna walked off, turning to sneer his way.

The wrestler rolled his eyes. "Bitch."

Deeper into the mine Tracy, Shark Attack, and Clint were still digging into the rocks for nickels with no success. The skinny rapper broke a couple more lanterns and sent that section of the mine into darkness, so any hope of finding a nickel there was wrecked.

Clint hammered into a little pocket and saw something shiny fall out. He wiped the dust off the metal coin and saw a beaver sitting in a log. He was excited, but it wasn't a marked nickel. He tossed the coin down the mine and went back to digging.

Tracy was walking down the corridor when she saw a shiny coin rolling down the passageway. She stopped it with her foot and looked at it closely. She gasped. "Yes! Slayed! We got one!"

Everyone heard the scream and let out a sigh. First place wasn't up for grabs anymore and now it was a race to finish before last place.

Tracy began her excited climb to the surface via the ladder across from the entrance shaft just as Eustace reached the bottom. He whipped out a pair of rubber gloves and slipped them on finger by finger. He cringed when he grabbed the pickaxe. "Ugh. Peasant tools."

The Gamers and Jersey Chicks reached the first buoy after what seemed like an eternity of hand paddling. Anne Maria and Kenny grabbed flags and let out sighs.

"We're doomed," said the lanky gamer. "Without paddles, there's no way to catch up."

Sam, who was laying on his stomach with arms hanging in the water, took a minute to catch his breath. "I always... hated fitness games."

Nicki filed her nails. That's literally all she was doing.

Anne Maria sat back down in the canoe. "Listen, everyone. Someone stole our paddles, so how's this for a drive: we find out who those hoes are and drive 'em into the sidewalk."

"I'm for that," Sam said. "But do we have a lead?"

"No," Kenny grumbled. "But we can find out later. Let's just paddle!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

Caitlyn sighs. "I feel bad about ditching those paddles. Now they're going to hate us."

Holly merely laughs and pats her friend on the back. "Come on, Cait, it's fine. They're probably laughing with us."

"Well, that attractive couple was peeved and they _had_ paddles."

"Just a prank, remember?" Holly hushed her partner with a finger to the mouth.

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

Jake struggled with the pickaxe thanks to his short stature and ended up snapping the head off the tool to use as a knife of sorts.

"Hey, nice idea," Val said, flashing a polite smile. "We need more people like you, people who can conquer their limitations."

Jake snorted. "Hey, just 'cause I'm short doesn't mean I can't kick a lot of ass. One time, Drew was attacked by a dachshund at our aunt's and he started crying. I whooped that dog's butt and sent it off with its tail between its legs. But don't tell him I said that; he hates that story."

Val giggled. "No problem."

They heard a couple clinks on the ground and looked down to see two marked nickels, each bearing the show logo.

"Score!" they both whispered with glee.

* * *

Tracy reached the top of the shaft and dragged her ash coated body over to the local miner holding tips.

"Tip please," the lunch lady said, handing him the coin.

He looked at the nickel for half a second and tossed it away. "Sorry. No tip. You had to find a marked coin."

Tracy's eyes went wide as Betty showed up. "What?!"

"Back to the mine," said the miner. "Unless you wanna go do the paddle thing."

Tracy stomped the ground. "Back to the mine! Hurry, Betty!"

The elderly women trotted off just as Jake and Val popped up with their nickels.

The miner looked at the tiny RR logos and handed over the tips.

"No way," Drew said, running over. "You got it _first._ Nice job."

" _We_ got it first," Val corrected him, preparing to read the tip. "Guess it's a race to... Idylwylde Golf Club! Grab a golf cart and find the Chillzone on the 18th hole!"

* * *

 _"Today's Chillzone is found on the final hole of the Idylwylde Golf and Country Club golf course. To get here, teams will drive the club carts to the carpet, where the last team to arrive may be eliminated."_

* * *

Joel and Natalie raced Holly and Caitlyn to the dock with all their flags in hand. The canoes moved faster, their eyes were bulging with nerves, and it was too close to call.

Holly made a turn and the Anchors gasped as their boat was forced into turn to avoid crashing.

"Cheaters!" Joel yelled, angrily shaking his fist.

Holly blew a raspberry and docked her team's canoe. The local fisherman took the flags and handed on the tip.

"Golf course?" Caitlyn asked. "Where's the golf course?"

"Just down the road from here," Joel panted, handing in his own flags. He grabbed the tip. "Yep, just down the road. C'mon, Nat! Let's hurry!"

With that challenge done, both teams broke into a fast jog down the shore.

* * *

LeShawna, Charlie, and Clint climbed up to the surface with nickels in hand. Each received a tip and met up with their partners.

Harold got hyped to drive a golf cart and rushed into the taxi, wanting to get a good placing.

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

Harold reclines on his stool and sighs. "What a race, huh? In just one day, we've had more fun than in the past three seasons of Total Drama combined. Plus, we're never apart, so we have, like, so much more bonding time and stuff. I'm glad you picked me to go."

LeShawna cringes. "Oh, yeah, sure. Totally, hun. You were always first pick." She gives a nervous glimpse to the camera.

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

Tracy and Shark Attack watched Eustace calmly chip a nickel out of the wall and walk over to the ladder. He turned and scoffed. " _Heathens_."

The older lunch lady snapped her axe in half and chunked it across the room. "Great, now we're racing for last!"

Shark Attack let out a sad sob. "Yeah, now we're never gonna go platinum!"

Tracy pushed him aside. "Move, I'm finding a nickel if it kills me."

Shark Attack lifted his axe and struck the wall again and again... and again... and again... and again. "I knew I shouldn't have smoked that back alley stuff before I left Toronto... Took the juice right outta me, man."

* * *

The Samaritans, Brothers, Pranksters, and Anchors reached the front of the golf course at the same time.

"Four way, eh?" Drew smirked. "Guess it's a race after all."

He didn't have time to think when Jake pushed him into the nearest cart and sped off. "To hole numero eighteen!" The Samaritans followed closely behind.

Joel sneered at the Pranksters as they all carted up to head to the carpet. Right behind them were three other taxis a few hundred yards into the distance.

Drew maneuvered around trees and pitfalls to find the final hole on top of a hill about a thousand yards ahead. "There's Don!" he shouted, pointing to the suited figure standing next to the flag.

Valerie and Vicki gave each other nods and made a little but of a turn to get around the Brothers. Drew caught it out of the corner of his vision and turned to block them off, but nearly crashed into their cart.

"Hey, watch your side!" Vicki yelped.

"You're trying to pass us!" Drew shouted back.

"Well, we want first, alliance or not," Val explained.

Drew looked at Jake with a stonecold glare. "Alliance? You made an alliance with those girls?!"

Jake smirked and leaned back in his seat. "Jealous?"

"No time!"

The two carts roared to a stop and racers bolted to the carpet.

Val and Vicki raced side by side with Drew and Jake, the yellow of the Chillzone within yards, feet, inches...

Feet stomped over feet, wind pushed them to be faster, legs pumped like pistons...

 **"Samaritans, 1st Place!"** Don announced. " **Brothers take 2nd!"**

The girls grabbed each other and jumped around with giddy joy. "Yesyesyesyesyes!"

Drew looked at Jake. "So, second to the girls? Some alliance, huh?"

Jake shrugged. "As long as we're riding high (pun not intended), I'm good. And hey, maybe you'll get a girlfriend outta them."

Drew rolled his eyes. "I guess so. But not to girlfriend!"

The juicy drama was cut short by the racing between the Anchors and Pranksters down the hill from the carpet. Both carts were neck and neck, but Joel had a plan. He grabbed the wheel from Natalie and turned a sharp right.

Holly screamed and grabbed a hold of the wheel, veering to the left. She laughed it off and looked back. "Fail!" Then the cart took a steep drop and both girls screamed as sand filled the air.

Joel leaned out of the cart. "This just in: Justice served!"

Nat pulled him back by the collar. "Never do that again! We almost flipped!"

"Worth it."

Nat stopped the cart and the duo ran onto the carpet.

 **"Anchors take 3rd!"** Don waved them by. He looked down the hill and saw the Pranksters making a break for it, behind them three other carts.

It was a mess, but there were clear winners...

 **"Cow-Folk: 4th! Pranksters: 5th! Wrestlers: 6th! And in 7th: The Dream Team!"**

Clint and Annie shared a passionate kiss. The Pranksters coughed up sand from the pit and looked disappointed. The Wrestlers did a wild dance and bumped chests.

"How did we get 7th?!" Harold asked in disbelief. "We left the mine before the other two teams."

"Well, the other teams didn't get _pulled over for speeding,"_ LeShawna scolded her partner.

"Idiot," Harold hissed. "It was only ten over."

* * *

 **Confessional: Cow-Folk**

"Beatin' these teams should be a cinch," Annie chuckles, playing with her hair.

"Yeah," Clint chuckles nervously. "Totally, honey."

She gives him a wicked smile and tries to speak through it. "Ya' sure, sugah?"

Clint stresses a smile. "Yes, love. Yes I am."

 **End Confessional: Cow-Folk**

* * *

The Top One Percent arrived and calmly walked next the carpet, noting it's horrible color and dusty fabric.

"Ugh, this rag is unfit for us non-heathens!" Angelina gagged.

"Well, you don't have to step on it," Don said with a grin.

The botox sculptures shared a glance of worry and took a step forward. Eustace spoke up. "This is a race of heathens, I say. _Heathens!"_

 **"And in 8th are the heathen-hating Top One Percent!"** Don announced with an annoyed frown.

* * *

Sam and Anne Maria pulled their teams to shore and got their tips.

Nicki was still filing her nails, so Anne Maria had to read the paper herself. "Oh, hey, we're goin' to the salon!"

The other Jersey girl snapped back to life. "Gurl, no way!"

"Yeah, it's a crummy golf course. Just needed to getcha' alert." Anne Maria started jogging down the beach as Sam and Kenny tried to keep up.

"They're awesome," Ken said through short breaths. "Totally dating material."

Sam chopped Ken in the side, getting an "Ow!" out of his Asian friend.

"No," the chubby gamer said. "No dating on this show! You saw how that went for Noah last season!"

Ken let out a sad sigh. "Don't worry, I'll control myself... for now." He ended with a sly smirk and a rub of his hands before tripping over a log.

* * *

Tracy finally found a marked nickel and praised Jesus. Unfortunately for her, Shark Attack found one too. Both made a mad dash for the ladder, but Tracy gained the upper hand by grabbed the hood of the younger man.

"Aw, hell naw!" he shouted, kicking the veteran in the leg and doubling her. "No one bites the shark without gettin' bit back, lady!"

Tracy growled and chased the scrawny African-Canadian up the ladder just a few rungs apart.

Shark Attack reached the surface and met up with Bobby-Z. "Sorry, man. If we lose it's all my fault. I tried, man."

"Nah, bro, you did yo' best. That's good enough for-"

"Tip! Give it!" Tracy grabbed the clue and dragged Betty into the nearest cab.

* * *

 **Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

"I'm not tryin' to push you or anything, Tracy, but you don't have to be so hard on yourself," Betty says, patting her friend on the back.

"I cost us the challenge," she replies with a quivering lip. "We were in first and I blew it because I didn't read the tip enough! Gah! So much for keeping the job I already quit to be here."

Betty smiles. "We're not out yet. I hear the Rappers are giving another confessional right now. If we hurry, we can beat those gangster-wannabes to the mat."

 **End Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

* * *

Anne Maria pulled Nicki across the edge of the carpet.

 **"9th Place for our Jersey Chicks!"**

Sam and Kenny crossed seconds later.

 **"10th goes to The Gamers!** Just two teams remain in the field, one of which may be going home."

Nicki stopped filing her nails. "Eh, nice job, Annie-Boo."

Anne Maria snapped the file away. "Yeah, nice job on _me_. You ain't even tryin' and you're the one who signed us up!"

"But you look like you wanna win," Nicki said, a glint of delight in her eye. "I knew ya' had it in ya', boo."

The TD vet paused and let out a deep growl. "Whoa, hold the phone, B! You tellin' me you slowed us down on purpose just so I'd play this floozy game?!"

Nicki shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

Anne Maria walked off in disgust. "Well, at least I know you'll try from now on."

"Yeah, I'm in it. But can we get footlongs now? I'm starvin' like a hoe outta business over here."

Ken snickered. "She's perfect..."

* * *

 **Confessional: Gamers**

Ken stares off into space as Sam tries to snap him out of it. "Hey, dude. Snap out of it!"

"That butt... those curves... that silky hair... amazing."

"Oh, nuts," Sam says, suddenly realizing what he was going to face in the coming legs.

 **End Confessional: Gamers**

* * *

The sun was setting and two carts raced to the Chillzone, one carrying the Rappers, the other carrying the Lunch Ladies. Just as the light faded, pairs of feet raced to the carpet and were silenced by the host's voice.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 **"Rappers take 11th by a split second!"**

The Rappers collapsed to the ground on the carpet and caught their breath. "We did it, boy!" both cheered. " _It might've been tough, but the goin' got rough, and here we stand vic-tor-i-ous! Blam!"_

The Lunch Ladies hit the carpet just a second too late. Don greeted them with hands behind his back and a solemn expression on his chiseled face. " **Betty and Tracy, you're the last to arrive.** "

"We have eyes," Tracy mumbled.

"It's okay," Betty sighed. "At least we made it on the show, huh? Our kids will be so proud."

Don stepped even closer. "Well, they'll have to wait on that, because this leg isn't over!" He handed both the Lunch Ladies and Rappers tips. "This Chillzone is just a checkpoint, because the _real_ Chillzone is in-"

"PANAMA?!" the four read aloud.

The Lunch Ladies gave the Rappers a maniacal look. "Oh, it's on," Betty said.

"On like Donkey Kong," Bobby retorted.

"Yes, and the other teams are probably at the airport by now," Don interjected with a snarky attitude.

The four racers gave each other one last competitive glare and raced back to their carts.

Don stepped in front of the camera as the racers faded into a blur. "Twelve teams are still racing, and the action only goes up from here! Tune in next time for the second part of our first leg on... The Ridonculous Race!" The show flashed to white with a smile from Don.

* * *

 **Current Placements:**

 **1\. Valerie and Vicki - Samaritans**

 **2\. Drew and Jake - Brothers**

 **3\. Joel and Natalie - Anchors**

 **4\. Clint and Annie - Cow-Folk**

 **5\. Holly and Caitlyn - Pranksters**

 **6\. Mick and Charlie - Wrestlers**

 **7\. Harold and LeShawna - Dream Team**

 **8\. Eustace and Angelina - Top One Percent**

 **9\. Anne Maria and Nicki - Jersey Chicks**

 **10\. Sam and Kenny - Gamers**

 **11\. Bobby-Z and Shark Attack - Rappers**

 **12\. Tracy and Betty - Lunch Ladies**

* * *

 **~A/N~ For those who watched The Amazing Race Canada last season, yes, this leg was directly inspired by a leg on that season. I needed a place close to Toronto to run a leg in before going across borders, and Sudbury is a great place for it with its historical relevance and fun challenge potential.**

 **As far as the premiere goes, I'm feeling good about this season. Hopefully my characters are somewhat interesting, but at least we have four vets to keep you entertained nonetheless! It's going to be a fun ride, so I hope y'all stick around for 13 episodes of chaos.**

 **Review Questions:**

 **\- Who's your favorite team? Your least favorite?**

 **\- Who's going home first? Who's winning?**

 **\- Any issues that need fixing?**

 **See you next time! Foreseer out!**


	2. Screw Child Safety

**~A/N~ Episode two! It's here! Get it while it's hot and I'll stop now. Thank you to everyone who faved, followed, or reviewed. You guys are amazing. I plan to release episodes every two weeks, but that might change. Until then, enjoy episode two and have a good one!**

* * *

 _Episode 2: Screw Child Safety!_

* * *

"Last time on The Ridonculous Race, twelve new teams arrived in Toronto for the adventure of a lifetime: a 13 part race around the world for the million dollar grand prize. Right off the bat, teams found themselves forced to do what it took to win. The Pranksters earned the ire of the Anchors by sabotaging the challenge, Jake and Val organized an alliance between their teams much to Drew's chagrin, and The Gamers joined forces with the Jersey Chicks to get to the top. Now our teams are on the way to Panama and their first official Chillzone! Eleven teams will be fortunate enough to survive, but which team will suffer the ultimate shame and be cut first? Stay tuned to find out on... The Ridonculous Race!

* * *

 **Plane 1 (30 minute advantage): Samaritans, Brothers, Anchors, Cow-Folk, Pranksters, Wrestlers.**

* * *

The sky was dark and the sun was nowhere close to rising. Most teams were sleeping or chilling, but Joel was anxious. He peeked over his seat to watch the Pranksters with keen eyes every few minutes.

He turned to the camera and sneered. "I don't trust them for one second. Sure, _we_ weren't scammed, but that's just one leg. They could strike at any time and BOOM, we're screwed. Well, no way is that happening. I've got full time coverage on those two. Full. Time. Coverage."

Across the aisle, Annie was snuggling up with a mopey Clint. He just sat there and leaned his head away from hers. When the cowboy tried getting up, she grabbed even tighter and restricted him like a python. He let out a slight sigh and tipped his hat down to cover his face.

In the back, the Wrestlers were eyeing the competition.

"I don't see anyone to worry about," Mick huffed. "We got a bunch of girls, some midget and his dorky brother, and those cow people."

Charlie yawned. "Easier than last year's Super Slam Spectacular, dude. All we gotta do is stay ahead of the pack until the end and we win."

"Rad strategy, dude," Mick said, reclining in his seat. "We're more than physical giants. We're _mental giants._ "

* * *

 _Meanwhile, the second flight is finally taking off from Ontario with the six trailing teams. To make it more reflective of their positions, we've put sad faces on their_ tickets _this time. What fun!_

 **Plane 2: Dream Team, Top One Percent, Jersey Chicks, Gamers, Rappers, Lunch Ladies**

* * *

"So?" Harold asked the Rappers, leaning across the isle. "You guys sell much?"

"Some," Bobby-Z yawned, exhausted from the last leg and a close finish. "We like to say we're bigshot bros, y'know, but we've only made, uh, side cash. We still work a few jobs here an' there." He removed his sunglasses to reveal bloodshot eyes. "But we cool, man. We cool. How's yo' life?"

"Pretty good," Harold said. "I spin some wicked beats at a club now that the Drama Brothers are broken up for the third time. I can share my album with you guys if you promise not to pirate it to your friends and stuff."

"Sounds cool, man," Shark Attack said. "Swell as the surf."

Up front, Eustace and Angelina stood stout in front of the flight attendant with jewelry flashing on their necks and fingers.

"Do you see these precious stones?" Angelina asked, her makeup covered face looking particularly hookerish. "These are signs of privilege. We deserve seats for non-heathens, no we _demand_ them!"

Eustace took a sip of his wine. "Yes, quite."

The flight attendant walked off and left the snobs standing there.

"Heathen!" they both screamed.

Sam and Ken played their game systems in silence. Every now and then, the lanky Asian would look up at Nicki sitting across the aisle and smile.

Anne Maria slept and listened to her music as Nicki filed her witchy nails and painted them a bright red. She gave them a kiss. "Ah yeah, I'm on fi-ya, baby. Like the sun."

The Lunch Ladies sat in the very back with frowns on their faces and arms crossed.

"Last place," Tracy scoffed with venom. "Pathetic. We need to catch up."

"But the others are already ahead of us by a good half hour," Betty argued. "Unless the plane they're on crashes, we're probably still in the bottom six no matter what."

"Then we just keep pushing," the camo-donned woman hissed. "I survived the war, I can survive this no problem. We're both over 60 and fit as hell, so we can handle the race. We just need to start playing the game the way it was meant to be played."

Betty cringed. "Dirty?"

Tracy nodded. "Dirty."

* * *

 **Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

Tracy stomps her foot. "Coming in last killed me, but we're far from out. I think, uh, all we need to do is get to the front of the pack and keep our lead to the finish line."

Betty looks at her watch. "Yeah, the plane is dropping in thirty minutes, so hopefully some of the other teams are having trouble right off the bat. I hate playing dirty, but I came to win, not to make peace around the world."

Tracy chuckles and nudges her friend. "Nah, that's your sister's job. If she was here, the whole plane'd be high on weed and wearing tie-dye by now, haha!"

 **End Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

* * *

Plane 1 touched down in Panama City as the sun rose above the far off. As soon as the doors opened, the six leading teams bolted into the terminal and found the nearby Don Box, which was dressed like a local fisherman.

The Brothers and Samaritans kept their lead and nabbed their tips first.

Valerie read the paper aloud. "Take a taxi to the Panama Canal and search along the edge of the wall for your next Don Box! C'mon Vic, we gotta go!"

* * *

 _"Panama City, the city of markets, mangroves, and home of the Panama Canal, the world's largest transoceanic passage. Today, teams must traverse the local landscape and complete two challenges, the first of which is waiting, here at the edge of the Panama Canal itself."_

* * *

Vicki followed her friend and waved the Brothers goodbye. "Good luck, guys!"

Jake flashed a grin at his brother. "She's the one, right? Her or Val?"

Drew grabbed the tip and ran off to the streets. "No time, bro. Just help me find a taxi!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Jake**

Jake stands around as Drew flags down, or tries to flag down, a taxi. "Yeah, I'm trying to help him get a girlfriend. He's always so lonely and I want him to be happy... and out of my hair. I love him, but man, he's always thinking I need help because I'm short. Hey, I did the challenge yesterday and got us 2nd place. That's nothing to be ashamed of and he's all flustered because I'm playing better than he is and yeah, it's funny."

Drew stops a taxi and jumps in. "Hurry, dude! Get in!"

 **End Confessional: Jake**

* * *

The Cow-Folk, Pranksters, Anchors, and Wrestlers started waving down taxis of their own. Nothing was stopping though.

Joel crept up to Clint and Annie and tapped the young male on his shoulder. He jumped and looked scared, but cooled himself down. "What?"

Joel leaned up to his ear and whispered something. Clint's eyes went wide. "Really?"

The anchor nodded with a smirk and moved back with Natalie.

Clint leaned over to Mick and then Mick leaned over to Charlie, all while Annie was waving her cowboy hat around in the street.

Natalie observed the happening and gave Joel a dry glare. "What did you do?"

"Uh, nothing. Just, uh, waving for a taxi!" He suddenly grabbed his backpack off his back and waved it around.

"Uh huh," Nat sighed. "Look, baby. I know you're caught up about what happened in Ontario, but don't throw our game out the window. They'll get their karma sometime."

Joel hugged his partner over the shoulder. "Okay, fine. But I'm just trying to help us out by putting targets on their backs. I mean, if people know about _us_ and how physical we are, we're screwed. Just trying to play smart."

A trio of taxis sputtered to a stop and the teams dropped all talk to get in them. The Anchors, or Joel to be precise, shoved the Pranksters aside and took a taxi for his team.

Holly pulled Cait to her feet and made a move for the next cab, but Mick's huge shoulders blocked their way.

"Not so fast, cheaters!" the Wrestler hissed. "Taxis are for heroes _only._ Like us!"

Cait looked to the Cow-Folk as they got in a taxi of their own and sped off with the Anchors and Wrestlers right behind them.

Holly kicked over a trash bin and tossed her cap to the ground. "Damnit! What the hell?!"

The Asian girl sighed. "I knew we shouldn't have messed with those paddles. Now everyone's out to get us!"

Holly scoffed. "Then that's their fault that they can't handle a stupid prank. Like, get over it, right?"

* * *

 **Confessional: Cow-Folk**

Clint dusts some dirt off his hat as he forces a smile. "Wow, Annie, that was close."

Annie laughs and hugs Clint. "Oh, Honey, it was! Can y'all imagine coming in last because of a stupid taxi of all things. That would be horrible. Good thing it happened to those darn Pranksters."

Clint drops his smile just a millimeter. "Yeah, lucky us..."

"What was that!?"

He pulls that smile back into place. "Nothing, Sweetie-pie!"

 **End Confessional: Cow-Folk**

* * *

The second plane landed and the bottom six stormed over to the Don Box. Sam couldn't slow himself down and crashed into the host-shaped ticket dispenser, spilling the tips all over the floor.

"Uggggh," groaned the chunky gamer.

Bobby-Z grabbed a tip for his team. "Dude, dude, look. We're goin' to the Canal, baby!"

"Suh-weet!" Shark Attack laughed, leading his team down to the street. "Time to catch up and win this race! For the _hoooood_!"

Eustace and Angelina arrived and plucked a tip out from under Sam's body as Kenny tried lifting him up.

"Hmm. Panama Canal? Built on the backs of heathens for our pleasure," Angelina said with an ugly grin. "Let us win, darling."

"I do say, I'm feeling rather lucky today," Eustace replied, taking a sip of wine.

Sam and Ken were the last team to get their tip and both hurried to the streets to find a taxi. The Lunch Ladies, Rappers, and Jersey Chicks were already gone, leaving them with the Top One Percent, The Dream Team, and... The Pranksters?!

"Hey, weren't you guys on the first plane?" Harold asked the girls.

Holly glared daggers at the lanky ginger. "Yeah, we've been waiting here for thirty minutes! None are stopping for us!"

A cab suddenly stopped by LeShawna, who simply waved it down. Harold shrugged and jumped in as Holly went berserk on the nearest lightpole.

Another two cabs stopped and Caitlyn stepped inside one of them. "Hey, Holly! I got one!"

Holly looked up through her blonde tangles like a wild animal peeking through tall grass and launched herself into the car. The Dream Team was a minute or two ahead.

It was down to two, rich snobs and nerdy gamers. Both teams eyed the last taxi and made bum rushes for it as the driver braced for impact... only to find out that it could seat two teams.

"We can share?" Kenny suggested.

"Only if we get the non- _heathen_ seats," Eustace said, his eyes popping like the piercing orbs of a God. "So the first row will do nicely."

"Whatever," Sam groaned angrily, jumping into the back. "As long as we get to the Canal ASAP."

Angelina scoffed. "Fat waste of skin..."

* * *

 **Confessional: Top One Percent**

Eustace cringes. "Disgusting. Just awful. Those heathens appear to be unaware of showering judging by the sweat stains and blemishes."

Angelina rolls her eyes. "Oh, I know, darling. I know. Losing to a pair of untouchables such as those two would be a disgrace to our family names."

Eustace sipped more wine. "Yes. Yes it would."

 **End Confessional: Top One Percent**

* * *

 _All the teams have found taxis, but teams from flight #1 are just reaching the Canal..._

* * *

The Samaritans, Cow-Folk, Anchors, Wrestlers, and Brothers stepped out and looked at the massive canyon of steel locks and concrete walls. Ferries, cargo ships, speed boats, fishing boats, every kind of boat was cruising through the system of locks.

"There's the Don Box!" shouted Charlie, pointing at the dispenser down a hundred yards. "First place, here we come!"

Mick pushed the button and read the tip that popped out just as the other five (and less ripped) teams received theirs. "It's a Botch-Or-Watch! Zip Up to Zip Down!"

* * *

 _"A Botch-Or-Watch is a challenge only one person may perform, and since this is the first of the season, it will decide who does the remaining Botches. In this challenge, one member from each team will strap into a zip line and pull themselves across the Panama Canal. However, we've rigged the line to go up at a 30 degree angle, so anyone who hopes to make progress will need a strong grip or face the pitiful fate of sliding back down to start the challenge over. Once they've crossed successfully, teammates will grab a clue from the next Don Box and zip back down to their partners."_

* * *

Mick flexed his arms. "I'll botch this one. I've been needing some upper body workout."

"I guess I'll go," Vicki shrugged. "I've probably been to the gym twice in my life, but whatevs."

Drew raised his hand. "No stopping me on this one, bro."

"I volunteer," Natalie said with no excitement whatsoever. "Seems easy, plus I've rock climbed for a few shots before, so climbing across a canyon should be easy."

Annie gave Clint puppy dog eyes. "How about you climb that rope, you big handsome man."

"You can do this one though," Clint argued. "I've seen you on the-"

"No, _you're_ doin' it," she growled, teeth bared. "You're the man, so you do all the heavy stuff. I'm delicate anyways, and you wouldn't want yer' darlin' honeysuckle to get hit by a steamer."

"And _I'd want to be hit?!"_

"Just shut your trap and botch it!" Annie snapped, her eyes bulging out of their sockets.

All the racers got hooked into their gear and began their upward climb across the canal, which appeared to be a couple hundred feet across. Mick, being so stocked with muscle, was quickly able to pull himself ahead of the others. Drew and Natalie were a few feet behind him while Vicki and Clint were a little slow on the pulls and fell behind.

"So," Vicki asked the cowboy. "You two really love each other, huh? It's always nice to see peace in the world."

Clint rolled his eyes. "Yeah, maybe she's in love, but I sure ain't."

Vicki gasped. "What's wrong? Is she... bad?"

"Bad ain't even getting it at. We've only been dating for a few weeks because our mommas are friends at church and thought we'd be a cute couple. All she ever does is treat me like horse shit at home and be all sweet in public. Controlling little... ugh. Every second away from her is heaven. She even made me do this here challenge because _men gotta do everythin' a woman says._ Bullshit. She ain't been right about one thing since we met, but she's _always right."_

Vicki awkwardly looked down the canal. "Wow, uh, that's... tough. Sorry you're going through that, Clint. I really am. As a samaritan, I wish you peace and happiness, but you need to take matters into your own hands."

"I know, but my momma's kinda strict about this stuff. Like, one time I dated some nice girl, but momma thought she was satanic 'cause of her purple hair and tattoos and kicked her out. Well, her devil radar is wacked then, 'cause Annie is... somethin' else. Heh, I actually didn't even want her as my partner, but our mommas made us do it, so it's law."

"Well, I hope you find love then."

"Thanks. It-it means a lot."

* * *

The next round of cabs arrived. The Lunch Ladies wasted no time in driving their cab to the tip and tossing the driver back his keys. The Rappers and Jersey Chicks ran over and checked out the challenge.

"I'm up," Betty said.

"I guess I'll go," Shark Attack shrugged. "Better to be light as a featha' than fall like leada'... That was a rap."

"Not really," Nicki said, pushing Anne Maria to the rope. "You go, hun. I'm all pooped out."

"From what?" Anne Maria deadpanned. "Excessive talkin'? Just do it. I did all the junk yesterday, now it's yo' turn."

Nicki let out a long, garbled groan. "Fiiiiahegheiiiine..."

* * *

 **Confessional: Anne Maria**

As Nicki attempts to hook up and pull up, Anne Maria smirks. "I could've done that junk no problem, but she's been a thorn in m'side since day one of this relationship. Figured she could use a little somethin' to do. And hey, maybe we'll go home foist and then I never have to see her ugly mug again."

 **End Confessional: Anne Maria**

* * *

The last three cabs arrived and the bottom four teams raced to the Don Box.

"At least everyone's still here and doing the challenge," LeShawna sighed. "We ain't out yet, baby!"

Harold adjusted his glasses. "Yeah, not _yet_. Can I count on your luscious arms to carry us to first place?"

"Oh, baby, these arms were made for roughin' it."

"I'lldoitwatchthecab." Holly ran off in a panic, leaving Caitlyn alone to face angry glares from certain racers.

"I'll go," Eustace said, putting on some latex gloves.

"I'm up," Kenny gasped, eyeing Nicki struggling about a fourth of the way up.

Mick unhooked at the other side of the canal and grabbed a tip before hooking in again and zipping down to Charlie, zooming past the eleven other racers with weaker and less awesome arms.

Seconds later, Drew, Natalie, and Vicki arrived and grabbed their own tips.

Clint, seconds away from the tip, slipped and went flying back down the rope, screaming like a girl all the way. He managed to grip the rope and slice up his palms at the halfway point, putting him in the back of the pack with Nicki, Kenny, and Eustace.

Just up ahead were Holly, Shark Attack, and LeShawna, all using everything in their tanks to hit the other side first. But the farthest ahead was Betty, who had a beet red face and grit teeth so tightly pressed together that they were nearly cracking.

"Just imagine you're birthing a kid," she whispered to herself. "Feel the burn, feel the burn..."

Kenny pulled himself up to Nicki and smiled. "Hey, how's life?"

Nicki looked at her dirty hands. "Ugh! This rope is like, so gross. Annie is dead to me if I chip a nail on this thing!"

Kenny looked down at the barges passing beneath them. "So, do you, uh, play any games?"

The Jersey girl raised an eyebrow. "What kinda games? I play a lotta scratch cards and go the casino a lot. Those are games, right?"

The Asian gamer blushed. "Well, I was thinking more about shooters, RPGs, uh, platformers. You know, like videogames?"

Nicki let out a nasal snort. "Boo, I don't play that crap."

"It's not _crap,_ " Kenny said defensively. "I play those games in tournaments and win a lot of money, you know! Like, I won a Street Fighter tourney in Japan two years ago and got five thousand dollars."

Nicki perked up. "Money, you say?"

"Yeah, a lot of it."

The chick smirked. "Hmmm, maybe I've been thinkin' less of ya' than I should, boi. I guess we can go out."

Kenny looked stunned. "B-but I didn't ask you out?"

Nicki just looked at the teen and his triforce shirt. "Oh. Screw you then."

Ken dropped his head and sighed. "Darn. So close, yet I still screw it up!"

* * *

Betty grabbed her tip, followed closely by LeShawna, Shark Attack, and Holly. Right behind those four were Clint, Kenny, Nicki, and finally Eustace a few extra seconds behind...

Mick reached the starting line and flashed the tip to Charlie. The big black guy grabbed it and read it with a booming voice. "Take your cabs down to the mangroves and search for your next Don Box." They high five and ran over to their cab, only to find the driver tending to a sliced set of tires.

"Man, what the hell happened?!" Charlie gasped, nearly having a stroke.

"Someone cut our tires," said the driver in a Spanish accent. "We can call a replacement cab, but it could take a while."

Mick grabbed Charlie by the shoulders. "Man, let's just steal one of the others. They're just sitting there, dude. No issue with that, right?"

Charlie shook his head. "We're champions, bro. We don't steal... unless it's in the ring and I want a belt, but not here. We don't want to be like... them." He pointed to Caitlyn.

"They totally cut up our tires," Mick gasped. "That cowboy warned me about them. Looks like we have a target."

* * *

Drew, Natalie, and Vicki all reached the ground again and joined their partners before leaving in their cabs.

Annie screamed up to Clint. "Go faster! Clint, we're losin'! Cliiiiint!"

The angry cowgirl watched as Betty, Shark Attack, Holly, and LeShawna all reached the ground. All were teams that used to be behind her and it boiled her guts.

Tracy gave Betty a hug. "Thank you! We're not last after all. You really pumped it up there."

Harold let out a "Boo-yah" and waved goodbye to the other teams and he and LeShawna sped away.

Holly dragged a shocked Cait across the cement and into the taxi.

Bobby-Z and Shark Attack dove into their cab and turned up some sick beats on the radio that sent annoying vibrations through the heads of whomever was left.

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

Harold adjusts his glasses and smiles. "I hate being so far behind, but I'm sure our combined skills will get us back on top. We _are_ the perfect team after all."

LeShawna looks at the camera and gulps.

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

Shark Attack pulls out a notepad and a pen. "Alright, we got five minutes to come up with a sweet victory rap for when Don sees us win the leg. You start..."

Bobby thinks and speaks with an awkward uncertainty about his lyrics. "Yo. Bro. We be first, like desert thirst. Ain't got no speed limits, 'cause we be awesome. We be awesome...

Shark Attack joins in. "We be awesome. Ugh. We be awesome. Ugh. We be awesome. We be. Webeawesome. Ugh. We. Be. Awesome. Boom. Them hoes know we be awesome. Zoom!"

The beat stops and both boys smile. "Awesome."

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

Nicki, Kenny, Clint, and Eustace returned with the tips.

Annie grabbed it and read it over as fast as possible. "You're awful at that, honeysuckle," she told her boyfriend with a smile.

The Gamers and Jersey Chicks raced down the streets in their taxis as the Top One Percent poured glasses of celebratory wine. Annie ran past them and dragged a numb Clint behind her. The rich snobs simply jogged back to their cab in pursuit, not willing to risk damaging their thousand dollar clothes.

A cab pulled up for Mick and Charlie just seconds later and was gone with them the next. The race was on.

* * *

The Samaritans, Brothers, and Anchors reached the Don Box at the mangrove swamp. The place was creepy, with vines and low hanging branches casting a shadow on the riverbank and the water closest to shore. Small fish were taken by large silver stripes that blew past like rockets.

All three teams grabbed tips from the box.

"It's another Botch-Or-Watch!" Jake gasped. "That's two in one leg. Has that ever happened?"

Joel read the name and sighed. "Who Wants to Swim With the Fishes? Great. Fish."

* * *

 _"In this Botch-Or-Watch, whoever didn't climb up the zipline must take a kayak out into the marsh in search of Panama's greatest sport fish: the tarpon. These massive fish are known for their jumping ability, which is known to tip unsuspecting rafters and even cause death. To receive, their next tip, racers must find a school of tarpon and snatch the tip from around the neck of certain fish when they jump. To make things easier, we've given each racer a bucket of chum to bring the tarpon to the surface. Not the most pleasant thing in the world, but who cares, right?"_

* * *

Jake, Valerie, and Joel set off in their kayaks and paddled in a group. Joel looked over to the other two and coughed to get their attention. "So, I was thinking about forming an endgame alliance, and you guys looks sharp, so... you wanna stick together and keep our leads?"

"Sure," Valerie chirped. "The more the merrier."

Jake, who needed a highchair to paddle, shrugged. "Meh. Fine by me."

Joel paddled closer. "Great, now about the Pranksters, I think they're trying to sabotage the other teams. They did it to the Gamers and Jersey Girls and now they cut the wheels of the Wrestlers' cab. I say we team up to take them out first."

Valerie gave Joel a suspicious look. "They cut the tires on the cab? That's... that's just mean. Like, Ice Dancer level mean. I'm in for that."

"Meh. Fine by me," Jake said.

* * *

Back on shore, almost every other team arrived within the same two minute window. Things were hectic of course, but that didn't stop Tracy from pushing other kayaks off course to keep her lead.

"Stay outta my way!" she yelled above the angry shouting. "I'm getting first place! I'm getting first- Don't flip that bird, son! Do not flip the bird at me!"

Anne Maria, Bobby-Z, Charlie, Sam, Angelina, Harold, and Caitlyn paddled fast to catch up, leaving Annie behind on the beach.

"But I hate fish, Clint. You know I hate them!"

Clint covered his ears. "Well, maybe you should've done the first challenge then, huh. You ain't always some goddess of bein' right, Annie!"

She gasped, dropping her forced smile and slapped him across the face. "Do _not_ speak to your girlfriend that way, mister. I am _not_ some toy!"

Clint pushed her back. "No, Annie, you don't get it! _You_ treat _me_ like an accessory. I buy stuff for ya', I drive ya' everywhere, I cleaned your damn dog for God's sake!"

Annie, looking deeply offended, jumped in a kayak and paddled off. "I expect an apology when I get back!"

The cowboy turned to see eleven other people looking at him with wide eyes. "That felt good," he said, smiling for real for once.

* * *

Joel, Val, and Jake cruised over a school of tarpon and slowed to a stop. Each fish was about six feet long and made up a school of about twenty fish or so. Twelve had tips tied to their necks and occasionally cruised to the surface to survey the racers.

"Okay," Val began. "Let's just do this fast. I think if we wait until they come up, we can grab the tips without risking a jump."

"I'm all for it," Jake said, taking a bucket of chum and causally pouring it into the water. "Let's use this stuff too."

Joel shoveled a bit of chum over the side of the boat and watched a couple tarpon come up to chow down. He was amazed by their size, but felt somewhat nervous. The silver missiles were stocky and had bone-hard heads, so getting hit by a jumper might be enough to end his race early.

More tarpon surfaced near Val and Jake, one of which had a tip floating under its neck.

"Great," Jake groaned. "It's _under_ the fish. Guess we'll have to make them jump after all."

Val grabbed her paddle and calmly touched the fish, but when it made contact, the tarpon flipped out and splashed a torrent of marsh water all over the racers.

Joel flipped his wet hair out of his eyes and wiped off his glasses. "That was a disaster."

Val gave it a hard thought and grabbed a full fish from her bucket. "Guys, I have an idea. Maybe we can feed them like dolphins at Sea World, y'know?" She held the fish out over the boat and watched for silver. A streak flashed underneath the boat and roared out of the water. Time seemed to stand still as Val plucked the tip from the fish's neck as it hovered in midair. She showed off her tip and smiled. "You guys try it!"

Jake and Joel grabbed bait of their own as Val paddled back to the launch point, passing a few more racers along the way.

Within a minute all eleven teams were fishing, just hoping for a stroke of luck to come their way.

Anne Maria cringed as she held her bait over the water. "Oh, my God. This is soooo gross."

"Wimp," Charlie taunted to the Jersey girl. "You could only dream to be awesome enough to beat me."

"I wasn't talkin' to ya'," she growled back.

Angelina strapped on a glove and held her fish with a light grasp, so light that it slipped out of her hand.

Tracy just dumped the bucket overboard and looked down into the water. "C'mon, stupid fish. You know you want me."

Joel and Jake had fish pop out for them almost simultaneously, and both grabbed their tips.

"All in the technique," Joel gloated.

Tracy saw the display as well as her empty bucket. Feeling angry, she grabbed the closest tarpon when it came to the surface. The fish pulled her overboard and jumped around with her hanging on, the lunch server's eyes full of determination. She punched the fish in the head and grabbed the tip with a victorious chortle.

All eyes went to Tracy as the rest of the teams realized that elimination was growing ever present.

* * *

Valerie beached the kayak and gave Vicki a hug. "Alright, Vic, we need to... Go to the jungle town of Veracruz, Panama and search for the Chillzone! Yes, we're first again!"

Vicki jumped in the taxi. "Not for long; here come a couple more!"

Val saw Joel and Jake coming and waved goodbye to their respective partners. "Good luck, you guys!"

Natalie smiled. "Thanks... Hmm. They're so nice."

* * *

 _"Veracruz, Panama: all the letters of the Mexican Veracruz, none of the interesting things to do. It is here, at this small jungle town, where teams will find their first official Chillzone of the race. The last team to arrive **will** be out of the race. Scary, huh?"_

* * *

Back in the mangroves, the remaining racers were finally learning the technique and snagging their tips. Anne Maria, Bobby-Z, and Harold all grabbed tips and began paddling back to shore. Charlie ended up diving down and wrestling the tagged fish for a tip, but ended up getting slapped in the face by the tail and received a black eye.

Caitlyn looked carefully for a fish to come to the surface and heard a splash behind her. A shadow covered her like a blanket and she looked back in shock before the tarpon slammed straight into her kayak, sinking the boat. Luckily, she was able to snag the tip, but without a boat, she was forced to swim back down stream.

Sam wiggled a baitfish in the water and had his hand swallowed whole. He let out a panicked yelp and tossed the tarpon into the air because cartoon logic. He didn't have time to scream, for the fish bit down around his head and blinded the gamer. He shook around and grabbed the tip before ripping the tarpon off, leaving him with bruises and cuts on his face. He looked at the tip in his hand and smiled. "Awesome."

This left two girls left: Annie and Angelina. Both were struggling to even touch their chum and freaked out at the sight of a near-cruising fish.

The cowgirl cried as she forced her hand around the bait, the tears making the water even saltier. "I-I hate this... so _much!_ This is all yer' fault, Cli-huh-hiiiint!"

The rich snob gasped as slime touched her wrist. "UGH! Revolting! Heathenous muck and scum!"

* * *

Don watched a lone taxi approaching Veracruz from the long winding cliffside road. A group of locals had gathered to watch the arrival of the teams and cheered as the winning team stepped onto the carpet.

 **"And the Samaritans get 1st place** for the second time in a row."

Val and Vicki high-fived with huge grins of ecstasy on their sweaty faces.

"It feels great, Don," Vicki said. "It feels great."

"Not as great as building a village for children though," Valerie added. "Nothing can beat that."

Two more cars approached. The Brothers and Anchors stepped out and footraced to the carpet, the winners beating the others by half a second.

 **"Anchors take 2nd and Brothers take 3rd!"** Don announced, looking to the camera. "Nine teams left, one going home. It's still up in the air."

More teams arrived and took their places as the screen showed their relieved faces.

 **Lunch Ladies: 4th**

 **Rappers: 5th**

 **Jersey Chicks: 6th**

 **Dream Team: 7th**

LeShawna growled. "7th... _again_. I thought for sure we had at least 6th!"

"But seven is a lucky number," Harold pointed out. "Though in some cultures it's a sign of death and despair, so 50/50?"

LeShawna just raised her brow.

 **Pranksters: 8th**

 **Wrestlers: 9th**

 **Gamers: 10th**

Back in the swamp, Annie saw a tarpon swim up close and spotted a tip hanging in the water below it. She saw Angelina baiting a fish in and knew it was her only chance. With a nervous hand, she calmly reached into the water and grabbed the tip with a strong grip. When she pulled, the tarpon kicked and splashed her with swamp water, but she had the tip.

"Ewwww."

Angelina snagged her own tip when a fish took her bait. "Heathenous fish. How dare you wait on me! I'll have you for a trophy on my wall!"

The tarpon jumped out of the water and nearly landed in her boat, sending her arms flailing to paddle faster.

* * *

Annie hurried to shore and read the tip.

"Okay," Clint sighed. "Let's just-Ahhh!"

Annie grabbed her guy by the collar and tossed him into the drivers seat. She gave the cabbie a glare of death and pushed him away from the car before jumping in the passenger seat. "Clint, go go go go go!"

"Maybe you should do the drivin'," Clint suggested. "Oh, wait, you can't drive. Riiight."

"Just _frickin' go,_ Honey! I ain't losin' my million on the first leg! Shut yer trap an' _drive_!"

Clint accelerated down the road with a bitter frown splayed across his red face. Right behind him came the Top One Percent, who took time to wipe off their sweat before entering the cab.

* * *

 **Confessional: Top One Percent**

Eustace scoffs. "Racing for last? Pfft. Pathetic. It's obvious these other teams are cheating."

"Yes, it is," Angelina groans. "Filthy heathens and their heathenous ways. Ugh. At least we know we're better than them, no?"

"Yes, quite."

 **End Confessional: Top One Percent**

* * *

 **Confessional: Cow-Folk**

Annie seathes in her anger as Clint looks drained.

"I can't believe we fell to near last!" she snarls. "Good thing we have the lead over them dumbass snobs."

"Yeah," Clint says. "Lucky us."

 **End Confessional: Cow-Folk**

* * *

Clint parked the taxi in sight of the Chillzone. Don was right there and the Top One Percent were still a ways off.

Annie yanked at the door handle in a blind panic. "C'mon, Clint, open the door! Open it now!"

Clint rolled his eyes. "Sorry. It had child safety locks."

"Screw child safety! Just get out an' run!"

The cowboy was about to press the button, but pulled back and smiled. "Y'know somethin', Annie? I think we need to talk out our problems."

"Screw that!" she barked back. "Open the damn door! We're still in it!"

Clint reclined and looked at the sky. "It's been so long since we've had a civil talk."

"Clint, open it! I see them coming!"

"I mean, yer' always screamin' and hollerin' at me when we ain't in public, so maybe we should have a little council before we hit the mat."

Annie started crying. "Clint, please! I'll never do any of that stuff again! Just unlock the doors!"

The cowboy smirked devilishly. "Enjoy the view... while it lasts."

Annie tried reaching for the button, but Clint blocked her with his arms.

The Top One Percent parked and jogged towards the carpet. Annie beat against the window as they passed the parked car and spit on the window.

"Heathen!" they taunted.

She fell over and broke down as Clint grinned. He clicked the doors open and walked out as Annie made a mad dash to beat the snobs.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 **"And the Top One Percent take 11th!"**

Annie, feet from the carpet, collapsed to the ground and tossed her hat. "This ain't fair! We got here first! Clint threw it! Eliminate him! He's a monster, he's-"

"Not your boyfriend any more," Clint sang, finally happy. "That's right, Annie. We're done, an' not just with this gameshow."

Annie released a whimper and cried tears of anger, confusion, and hatred. "You, you, you..."

Don approached the Cow-Folk. "Clint, Annie, I've seen some angry teams on the race, but this is a new high. The way you treated each other, while hilarious, proves that The Ridonculous Race is _not_ your thing. You're _out._ "

Clint pumped his fist. "Yes! Hahaha!"

Annie gasped and pulled herself up. "You're... _happy?!"_

"Truth be told, I'd rather be the first team out than spend anymore of this race with _you_. You've made me feel like shit for weeks, so I'd call this karma."

Annie took a step back. "I hate you! You're sick! You wanna break up? Fine. Never talk to me again. Ever!"

"With pleasure," Clint said with a smile.

Don interrupted the meltdown. "With one team down, more are soon to fall. Find out who flops like a tarpon, next time on The Ridonculous Race!"

* * *

 **Exit Confessional: Cow-Folk**

Annie and Clint walk in opposite directions. Clint is smiling while Annie is fuming mad.

"Best day of my life," he says.

"Worst day ever!" she growls.

"To think that this here show would set me free? Wouldn't have believed it myself if it hadn't happened."

"I thought Clint was a good guy, but he's just a dumb guy with his own selfish ways."

"Annie, if you're watching, I hope you find _very_ tolerant husband to put up with your bullshit."

"Clint, I hope you never find love! You passed up a golden opportunity, so screw you."

They both stop and gasp. "Oh, crud! Momma's gonna be peeved!"

 **End Exit Confessional: Cow-Folk**

* * *

 **Current Placements**

 **1\. Valerie and Vicki - Samaritans**

 **2\. Joel and Natalie - Anchors**

 **3\. Drew and Jake - Brothers**

 **4\. Tracy and Betty - Lunch Ladies**

 **5\. Bobby-Z and Shark Attack - Rappers**

 **6\. Anne Maria and Nicki - Jersey Chicks**

 **7\. Harold and LeShawna - Dream Team**

 **8\. Holly and Caitlyn - Pranksters**

 **9\. Mick and Charlie - Wrestlers**

 **10\. Sam and Kenny - Gamers**

 **11\. Eustace and Angelina - Top One Percent**

 **12\. Clint and Annie - Cow-Folk (ELIMINATED)**

* * *

 **~A/N~ And so ends the first leg! Clint and Annie weren't always going to be trainwreck first boots, but I knew I could do something with them. So, I went for an abusive relationship angle that was mainly played for the sake of having a satisfying first boot and developing two characters beyond a "nice cow-folk" gimmick. This twist was teased in the first episode, so if you picked up on it, congrats!**

 **Review Questions:**

 **\- How do you feel about the first boot? Should they have stayed? If so, who should've left first?**

 **\- Who do you think the main antagonist(s) are? What about the protagonist(s)?**

 **And with that, I bid thee farewell until the next episode. Don't forget to favorite and follow the story to make sure you don't miss any updates or if you just want to support the season. Thanks to all the fans who gave me the inspiration to write this story. You guys are still amazing!**

 **Foreseer... out!**


	3. We've Been Bimbazzled!

_Episode 3: We've Been Bimbazzled!_

* * *

"Last time, on The Ridonculous Race, the twelve teams continued the first leg down to tropical Panama, home of the mighty Panama Canal and fierce fighting tarpon. Kenny blew it with Nicki, the Lunch Ladies blew back to the top of the pack, the Wreslters blew a tire in an instance of suspected sabotage, and Clint and Annie's facade of happy perfection was blown sky high when Clint had it with her abusive tendencies and threw the game to send the Cow-Folks home first. Where will our teams be heading today and who's blowing up next? Find out on... The Ridonculous Race!"

* * *

Don strolled up to the Don Box and flashed his typical Don smile. "Welcome back to Panama, where the nicest people ever, The Samaritans, are getting the first travel tip of the day."

Valerie and Vicki approached the box and grabbed the tip.

"Spain!" Valerie laughed. "Yes! I've always wanted to go back there since we helped build that orphanage."

"Oh, that was so amazing," Vicki sighed nostalgically. "I wonder how it's doing."

* * *

 _"Spain, land of bull fighting, rich monarchs of old, and other things you won't find anymore because of rights activists. Today, teams will depart from Panama City and head to Barcelona where their next Don Box will be waiting outside the airport."_

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

"Winning two legs in a row is amazing," Vicki says, adjusting her headband. "As long as we stay in first, the money is as good as ours."

"And by _ours_ , we mean the charities we haven't donated to yet," Valerie added. "Not that many, but every one counts."

 **End Confessional: Samaritans**

* * *

Drew and Jake caught up with the girls as they waited for a taxi. The shorter brother winked at his sibling, much to Drew's annoyance.

Jake tapped Valerie on the back. "Hey, Vicki."

Valerie turned around, her crystalline eyes sparkling like sapphires because that's what they looked like, cliche or not. "Oh, I'm Val, Vicki is my partner."

Jake blushed. "Oh, uh, sorry. I was just wondering if you would like to date-"

Drew slammed a hand over his brother's mouth. "Date my pants! I mean, look at these things." He pointed to his polka dot sports shorts. "Pretty dated, right?"

Valerie examined the shorts. "I say... 73."

A taxi pulled up and the girls waved goodbye as Jake gave Drew a nasty glare. "Dude, that was pitiful! I had the bait in the water and you reeled it back in before she could bite."

Drew grabbed his shoulder. "Well, maybe I just don't want a girlfriend, then. I mean, it's a race! If I hook up _here,_ my game goes off the rails. Can you imagine what I'd go through if it was down to them, us, and a boomerang or last place or whatever. I'd choke on love and get booted. Bro, stop with the dating stuff. Seriously. Let's just run the race and win the million. Clean and simple."

Jake sighed and kicked a rock. "Fine."

* * *

Back at the Don Box, Angelina and Eustace grabbed the last tip and flashed hideous grins.

* * *

 **Confessional: Top One Percent**

Eustace sips some wine and scowls. "Pathetic. Last place is for heathens only. We are far too important for last place, so that means we must blow the other teams out of our way at all costs."

Angelina laughs in agreement. "Oh, of course, darling, of course. With the next flight, the chances are that we'll all be flying together. As much as it pains my illustrious heart to ride with those scummy peasants, I'll suffer it through for the million dollars."

 **End Confessional: Top One Percent**

* * *

The ticket man sat at his computer and took a sip of his water as he typed away. He looked up and saw almost nobody waiting around for tickets, so he went back to his screen. A cacophony of footsteps alerted him and his head snapped up to see twenty-two people waiting in line. The guy's eyes went wide. "Uhhhhhh..."

* * *

 _"All eleven teams were fortunate enough to get seats on the only flight to Barcelona. As their several hour flight begins, some teams are chilling, but others are discussing strategy..."_

* * *

Harold scanned the other teams from his seat and looked back to his partner. "Okay, so I've cross analyzed the other teams and their prowess with the teams from the first season and I figured out the biggest threats. The Wrestlers are strong workhorses, so I'd be worried about them first, especially if it comes down to a footrace. Then there's the Samaritans, and any team that wins two in a row is trouble. And finally, the Lunch Ladies, who aren't afraid to push and shove while being pretty strong racers themselves."

LeShawna nodded. "Sounds about right. Those Jersey Chicks are on _my_ radar though. Fools be rubbin' me the wrong way..."

Harold adjusted his glasses and looked over at Anne Maria and Nicki. "But they're not a threat though."

"But I don't like 'em," she argued back. "If I'm winnin' the million this time, I wanna do it without all the stressin', and those two are stressin' me out."

The lanky nerd shrugged. "You've only talked to them once."

"Yeah, and they sucked."

"Well, experts say it takes twenty positive encounters to make up for one negative encounter, so maybe if you talked to them a lot, you'd realize how-"

LeShawna snorted arrogantly. "Sugah, LeShawna knows what she's talkin' 'bout. And she knows those girls ain't worth the time."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm going to the bathroom."

* * *

 **Confessional: Harold**

Harold looks around the bathroom and smiles. "Ah, this is making me so nostalgic. And it's also bringing up a lot of bad memories, so I'll keep it short. I'm worried about LeShawna and I for the future of the race. She's acting way too independent recently, and I'm scared she's going to fall out of our game mode. As soon as I got the call to join her, we started talking strategy and came up with some rules. Rule number two: focus on staying away from big threats, is a big one. I saw what happened to whoever the Ice Dancers didn't get along with, and I know there's probably another team like them around. We're trying to play under the radar while keeping at the middle-front of the pack, but if LeShawna starts making enemies and throws off our game, we're totally hosed. Looks like I might need to do some damage control..."

 **End Confessional: Harold**

* * *

 **Confessional: Wrestlers**

Mick groans and buries his face in his hands as they stretch down, pulling his cheeks. "This blows! We had a lead and then we get gooned by some sabotaging punks. People are out to get us, man."

Charlie growls and cracks his knuckles. "It was probably those stupid prank chicks. They thought we were threats and wanted us gone, but it's time to strike back with a vengeance and send their pretty little faces back to... wherever they're from."

"Bodyslam 'em back there, yeah!"

"Double slam spectacular!"

 **End Confessional: Wrestlers**

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

Caitlyn twiddles her thumbs and looks scared. "We screwed up, Holly. We shouldn't have taken those paddles back in Sudbury. Now everyone thinks we're supervillains out to sabotage them."

Holly kicks her leg up and smiles. "Well, what matters is we didn't do the other things, just the oar stealing, which you gotta admit was funny. And besides, they're all losing anyways. Might as well have some fun."

"What if there's a Boomerang Board? Don said that anyone could use the Boomerang this season if they get to it first, so the first time it shows up and we're not first, we're screwed because you wanted to be 'funny' for the fans."

"Relax, Cait-"

"No! You need to stop treating this show like the streets. We're not here to shoot videos and scare people and piss them off. We're here to win, and you're directly impeding our chances."

"Okay... what's _impeding_ mean?"

Cait glares at her partner and to the camera.

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

 _"As the teams finally arrive in Barcelona, the race for first is on once again!"_

* * *

The Gamers reached the Don Box first thanks to their front seats and grabbed the tip that shot out of the cubic mouth.

"Head to La Carra restaurant to find the next Don Box!" Kenny read aloud. "Let's move, Sam!"

Sam jogged off after him as he played his 3DS with sweat dropping onto his cheeks and the screen.

The Lunch Ladies shoved the Rappers out of the way and grabbed their tip, leaving the two black boys to be trampled by every team other than the Samaritans, who willingly stopped to help them up.

"Thanks, girls," Shark Attack groaned. "Some people ain't got no soul."

"No problem," Vicki said. "We help all people, even if they're here to beat us."

"It's our passion," Val explained. "We've traveled all over the world helping those in need. We even built an orphanage in Spain one time so all the street kids could have a place to stay safe."

"Whoa," Bobby said. "That's deep. Y'all take care, girls!"

And with that, all teams were on their way to La Carra for their next challenge...

* * *

The Wrestlers kicked back in their taxi and looked outside to see the Lunch Ladies and Dream Team in the adjacent lanes.

Mick poked the Spanish driver in the shoulder and pointed to the other racers. "Hey, dude. Can you pass these chumps? It's for a million bucks."

The man looked at him in confusion and spoke in Spanish something the buff guys couldn't understand.

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Listen, man. We just need to get in front of them. Mucho rapido, por pavor."

Tracy saw the Wrestlers pointing to their taxi and gave them a death glare. She looked around the car for something hard to throw and settled for a half-sipped glass bottle of coke. Betty rolled down the window and leaned back to give her partner more room.

"Fire away!" said the fatter woman.

Tracy smiled and chucked the bottle at the Wrestlers, smashing their back window to pieces and causing all parties involved to freak out as the taxis started swerving side to side.

Harold and LeShawna gasped as the Wrestlers smacked into their side, their faces meeting at the window for a split second in a frozen expression of fear. More cars swerved and stopped and crashed and blared horns as the traffic piled up. A couple taxis passed around the trainwreck of chaos as things started to get back on track.

Sam looked back at the other taxis. "Wow... I guess we're in first again, but it's hard to appreciate it when people could be dead."

The Wrestlers, Lunch Ladies, and Dream Team all squeezed out of the wreckage and kept on racing despite the drivers nearly jumping ship right then and there. Unfortunately, most of the other teams had already passed them up.

* * *

 **Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

"I said I'd play dirty," Tracy says indifferently. "And dirty I played."

"I liked the rush," Betty says, nearly having an orgasm from the adrenaline. "It was sooooo goooood! But we shouldn't do that again. Lawsuits ain't pretty, an' I only got enough to put my kids through a year of college... if they earn it."

 **End Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

* * *

A cab pulled up to La Carra and halted to a sputtering stop. The Samaritans stepped out and thanked the taxi driver with some extra cash.

Vicki grabbed the tip and read it aloud. "It's an All-In! Hork-da-Pork?"

* * *

 _"An All-In requires both members of the team to complete, and for this All-In, our teams will have to fine dine on one of Spain's signature dishes: suckling pig. These porcine pals of ours are taken at a young age and cooked whole for that 'just right' texture and it's a wonder animal rights activists haven't stopped this, but thankfully it's all legal. Moral? Who knows. All teams have to do is eat an entire suckling pig in ten minutes or less to receive their next tip."_

* * *

More cabs arrived and the Brothers, Gamers, Jersey Chicks, and Top One Percent snagged their tips from the mouth of the Don Box.

Nicki cringed. "Ew! Girl, you know I don't do pork."

Anne Maria turned up her nose and walked inside the restaurant. "I know. I just don't care, boo."

Angelina and Eustace smiled, for fine dining was a challenge suited to privileged upper class individuals such as themselves.

Sam looked at Kenny and made a DreamWorks face. "Eating challenge? Really, Don? I guess he wants us to get first."

Kenny did some kind of karate pose. "Hot dog eating skills, don't fail me now!"

The Anchors, Rappers, and Pranksters arrived soon after, followed by the Wrestlers, Lunch Ladies, and Dream Team.

Mick grabbed the cabbie and looked him in the face. "Stay here, okay? We need to... Oh, right, you can't understand me... Pfft."

Once Mick left, the cabbie rolled his eyes and snorted. "Idiots."

* * *

 _"As all teams arrive at the All-In, the first few teams are beginning their meals..."_

* * *

Val and Vicki looked at the pig on their plate. It was split down the belly and splayed across the plate. The skin was caramel colored and crispy textured. A red apple rested in its mouth like the cherry on top of the sundae of meaty goodness.

Drew and Jake took their seats next to the girls. The dwarf winked to Val and looked to his brother. "This should be easy... if I had a stomach bigger than an apple. Looks like this is mostly on you, dude."

Drew raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh, sure. Or maybe it's because you're on a diet?"

Jake shrugged. "I'm a man of many mysteries."

Nicki fainted when the pig was brought out. Anne Maria just gave the camera a dead look.

Sam and Kenny licked their chops. Finally, a challenge they were naturally good at!

The Top One Percent received their dish and pulled out bibs, forks, spoons, knives, napkins, candles, tablemats, and a whole bunch of rich person stuff from their pockets.

* * *

 **Confessional: Top One Percent**

Eustace smirks. "We are not heathens, so therefore, we do not _eat like heathens."_

"Yes, of course, darling," Angelina says, pulling out a tiny fork. "We come prepared for every scenario in which we can express our wealth and sophistication, even in heathen holes like this city."

 **End Confessional: Top One Percent**

* * *

The rest of the teams arrived in the front of the restaurant just as the bouncer closed them off. "Sorry," he said. "Once the others finish their ten minutes, you can go."

A collective sigh of anger and disappointment echoed throughout the building.

A clock popped up on screen with a ten minute timer in blood red. An alarm sounded and the teams dug in. The Samaritans went to town and wolfed down as much meat as they could, ripping flesh from bone. The Brothers picked it off with their hands and Jake, eating from a high chair, ripped off a whole leg and chowed down. The Top One Percent were still setting up the table with fancy crap, ignoring the challenge completely. Sam and Kenny plowed into the pig and demolished the dish in no time as both nerds took bite after bite without chewing.

"No stuffing my pants this time," Sam said with a determined tone, his eyes keen on the pig on the table.

This left Anne Maria and Nicki struggling. 1. Because Nicki was out cold, and 2. Anne Maria was cautious about her diet and didn't want to eat.

The TD vet stared at the dead pig and gulped. "Oh, no, boo. No way am I stayin' this hot after today. Eh, I could run a mile and burn it off, I guess."

She took a leg and stuffed it in Nicki's face as she herself chowed down on the ribs.

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

"When I saw the other teams eating, I knew we was gonna do bad," LeShawna says. "It's all on those stupid Wrestlers, trying to kill us with their taxi."

"They must be punished," Harold says, smiling devilishly. "But no one can know we did it, so we won't do it at all. Remember the plan?"

LeShawna sighs. "Yeah, I do... Still wanna show those fools up though."

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

Sam and Kenny raised a plate of bones and shouted "Done!" through mouths of meat. The other teams gasped at the shock of two nerds winning an eating challenge, but remained focused on eating with only a couple minutes left on the clock.

The waiter handed Ken the clue. "Buenos dias," said the Spaniard.

"Gracias, my good man," Ken said, reading the clue. "Okay, we need to go tooooo... Camp Nou! What's that, some summer camp?"

* * *

" _Camp Nou is no summer camp. It's a world famous football stadium and the home of FC Barcelona, the nationally renowned champs of football, or as dumb Americans call it, soccer. Here, teams will find their next Don Box and their next tips."_

* * *

The Gamers left the restaurant just as the Samaritans finished their plate. Val grabbed the tip from the waiter and chased after them with Vicki by her side.

The time clock grew closer to zero as sweat dripped down onto plates and hands started shaking. Food went into mouths and sauce splattered across tables like blood on a murder scene. People stuffed themselves in every way possible to beat the clock and...

BRRRRZZZZZZZ!

The Brothers collapsed and looked at the empty plate. Drew nearly threw up from eating 75% of the pig himself as Jake picked his teeth with a rib bone.

Anne Maria had two legs and some ribs left to eat, but Nicki was still passed out with the leg in her mouth.

Eustace stood up in protest, the pig still untouched. "Hold yourself, peasants! We were not given time to properly set the mood!" He grabbed a couple forks and a candle and shoved them to the camera. "This is what class looks like!"

The Brothers grabbed a tip and slowly walked outside where Drew puked his guts out all over the sidewalk and a woman's shoes.

Nicki snapped back to life and spit out the leg. "Ugh! What happened, doll?"

"You passed out!" Anne Maria snarled, pulling herself over the table. "Now we gots to do this shit all over again and I'm already full!"

"Wanna take a penalty?"

"No!"

Nicki just shrugged. "Not my fault you ain't a heavy eater. Hoe, you gotta take some re-spon-suh-bill-it-e!"

Anne Maria glared at her partner and sprayed her face with hairspray. As Nicki choked on the fumes, Anne Maria waved to the waiter. "Tip please. We're takin' a penalty, bro."

The waiter reluctantly handed the chicks their tip. "Oh, uh, okay?"

Round Two started right away. The rest of the teams joined the Top One Percent and readied themselves to begin chowing down.

Four taxis pulled up to Camp Nou stadium. The Samaritans, Brothers, Gamers, and Jersey Chicks raced for the Don Box, which was dressed in a flamboyant matador costume.

Nicki read her tip, squinting to read the words. "It's one'a them Eitha'-Or things."

"Bulls," Sam read.

"Or Balls?" Drew read, cringing.

* * *

 _"Camp Nou is home to the greatest football team in Spain, and today, teams will have the opportunity to face off against two members of FC Barcelona in Balls. To get their tip, the teams will have to score one goal before the champs score three. Or, if teams aren't feeling sporty, they can attempt Bulls, where they'll dress up as a Spanish fighting bull and traverse an obstacle course, complete with a matador who will give them their tip upon completion."_

* * *

"We should do Bulls," Ken said. "I've only played soccer on my Wii... as Mario."

"Balls," Drew said to Jake. "I think you're a little too short for the bull costume... no offense."

"Balls sounds easy," said Vicki. "I've played football once or twice in Nicaragua when we were helping flood victims."

Anne Maria looked at the options and made her team's pick. "Balls. That frickin' costume'll ruin my poof."

The Wrestlers and Anchors finished their meals with time to spare and raised their plates. "Done!"

"Done too!" came the Lunch Ladies.

* * *

 **Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

"We serve slop all day," Betty groans. "It was great to get some real dinna', y'know."

 **End Confessional: Lunch Ladies**

* * *

Holly choked down as much as she could as Caitlyn took it slow.

"Eat faster," mumbled the blonde, her mouth full of meat.

"I'll choke," Caitlyn replied with a hint of deadpan.

"I don't care. Just _eat or we'll lose_!"

Caitlyn glared at Holly and started eating faster, taking bigger bites and swallowing without chewing.

Eustace and Angelina were eating with all their utensils, taking the time and wasting the time to pick every strand of meat off the bone in order to eat it properly. They poured a couple glasses of wine to compliment the meal, unaware of the two minute timer.

The Dream Team, Rappers, and Wrestlers finished just in time before the buzzer sounded to end the round.

Holly and Caitlyn stuffed themselves full just as the time limit ended and looked at the empty platter. It was a close one.

The teams grabbed their tips and ran back out to their cabs. The Wrestlers jumped in theirs and shouted at the man to take them to Camp Nou.

The cabbie rolled his eyes and sped off... in the opposite direction of the other cabs.

The Top One Percent were all alone. They had only eaten half of their pig and with the way they were eating, they weren't finishing any time soon...

* * *

As the only team doing Bulls, Sam and Kenny suited up in the raggedy bull costume with Sam taking the head and leaving Ken to manage the rear.

"We got this, dude," Sam chuckled. "Just imagine it's Bull Simulator 3 and we'll slay it like a dragon."

"More like a _hydra_!" Kenny cheered. "Let's do this! For Nicki!"

Sam kicked his friend in the shin. "Watch it."

"Ow! Fine. For the million dollars!"

The boys charged out into the stadium and saw that it was split in half. One side held a soccer field while the other had the obstacle course. The obstacle course itself was pretty big. There were inclined planes, bridges, large vertical pillars, and a lone matador at the end of it all.

The first stage was an elevated walkway. Sam told Kenny to follow his lead and peeped through the holes where the bulls eyes would've been. Ahead of him he saw the ground start to rise. "Here it comes, dude!"

The duo charged up the plane and ran right off the flat ground at the end when they should've made a right turn.

A buzzer sounded and both guys groaned from within the mess of leather. "Uuuuggghhhhh..."

* * *

The Jersey Chicks were the first to attempt, and attempt is a very strong word, the soccer challenge. Nicki stood at the net and filed her nails as Anne Maria took her place in the field. She locked eyes with the hot soccer champ standing a few meters away and gave him a sexy wink.

The referee blew his whistle and the champ raced to the ball. With speed and precision, he launched it right past Anne Maria and into Nicki's range. It slowly rolled past the chick as she barely moved her foot to stop it.

"Hey!" Anne Maria shouted to her partner. "Stop bein' dead weight and start playin', hoebag!"

"Don't check me, boo!" Nicki shouted out. "You know I ain't no soccer gal."

A second whistle blew and another ball streaked past Anne Maria and Nicki. Their eyes locked and their faces grew red. "Screw you, hoe!" screamed both girls.

Anne Maria turned around and mumbled. "Doin' it myself then, huh? Stupid B."

The third whistle sounded and the champ shot the ball right at Anne Maria. She leaned into it and caught the orb in her poof where it rested in a solid hole. She gasped and growled at the champ. "Eh! Watch the hair!" She started to pull it out and got an idea. She knew that she couldn't handle the ball from watching soccer a few times, but nothing was ever said about carrying it in her hair.

Nicki looked up and watched in confusion as her teammate charged full speed into the two champs. The kicker got slammed in the gut and heeled over in pain. The goalie got sturdy and tried to block, but the poof was too hard and he got taken down like it was American football.

Anne Maria toppled into the net and broke though the mesh before going on to crash into the wall, leaving a solid dent. She returned to the downed goalie and grabbed the tip from his hand. "Thanks, bae."

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

"Okay," Nicki says. "That was impressive."

"Yeah, an' I did it without yo' sorry ass," Anne Maria said, smirking. "Just like everything else in this race."

Nicki glared at the camera.

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

Anne Maria read the tip. "Head up to the box at the top of the stadium to find Don at the next Chillzone."

The girls raced over to the bleachers and began climbing to the box, unaware that their penalty was about to put a halt on their lucky break.

* * *

Eustace and Angelina looked at the new pig and shared an uneasy glance. They knew what had to be done and they didn't like it one bit. It was something that broke their code to the core and would ruin their identities, but it was a race.

Eustace grabbed a leg with his bare hand and cried. Angelina grabbed another and took a deep breath. Then they ate. They ate like peasants, like _heathens_. The tears mixed with the meat as it went down their mouths. Sauce spilled down their chests and ruined their fancy flair with stains of red and yellow. When the meal was done they looked each other in the eyes and wept. "We're... We're _heathens_!"

The waiter handed them a tip as they cried all over their table.

* * *

 _"As the rest of the teams arrive at Camp Nou (minus the Wrestlers), the Jersey Chicks are arriving at the Chillzone..."_

* * *

Anne Maria and Nicki stepped on the Carpet of Completion as Don nodded his head. " **First place**... is what I would say if you _hadn't skipped the first challenge all together!_ And for that, you get a penalty!"

Anne Maria scoffed. "Fine. How long? Ten minutes? Twenty minutes?"

The screen did a wipe and cut to the girls sitting on the nearby couch with frown on their faces as a timer that read 5:59:30 hovered about their heads.

Nicki scowled at the camera. "Six. Freakin. Hours."

"Hey, that's on you," said Anne Maria, pushing her teammate. "I only took the penalty because you didn't wanna suck it up an' eat."

"And _you_ took the penalty!"

"Yeah, but _you_ suggested it!"

"Don't put words in my mouth, you hoebag!"

"Shut up, skank!"

* * *

Below the box, the other teams were still trying to beat those challenges. The Gamers, Lunch Ladies, Rappers, and Dream Team were trying to conquer the obstacle course as bulls while The Samaritans, Brothers, Anchors, Top One Percent, and Pranksters were trying their best at soccer. Nobody was having any success with either task and tensions were starting to run high.

Shark Attack tossed the bull suit off and left Bobby-Z walking aimlessly. "This is hopeless! We ain't even past the walkway yet and now we gotta wait in line _again._ "

Bobby pulled himself out of the suit and tossed it to the Gamers. "Should we switch? Man, if we can't do this, then shouldn't we save our time."

Shark Attack started rapping quietly to himself. "So when yo' down, ya' gotta think smart. You gotta be quick, you gotta have heart. Like, whoa, man... whoa, man... We need to stick with it, dude. We can do this, homie. Brother, you gotta believe in the B and S."

Bobby nodded. "Right. Next time, we'll win this thing."

* * *

The Anchors took the field and got decimated, followed by the Top One Percent (who sniveled and cried the whole time), the Brothers, the Samaritans, and the Pranksters.

Val and Jake met up and talked strategy. Drew and Vicki listened in.

"Okay," Jake sighed. "That's three in a row we've failed, so maybe we should figure out some out-of-the-box thinking."

"Like, maybe we could try to leave the goal undefended and take on the kicker two on one?"

Drew shrugged. "Worth a try."

The Anchors took their fourth turn and decided to play more aggressively.

* * *

 **Confessional: Anchors**

Natalie groans. "I can't believe we're getting beat at soccer. I've been playing for years, but these guys are a whole 'nother level of skill. So, I have an idea that _no one_ else could've thought about pulling on these champs."

 **End Confessional: Anchors**

* * *

Both Joel and Natalie charged at the center of the field and went for the ball. The kicking champ kicked it to the right and curved his path around the racers, barely scraping by and opening him up for a clean shot. With a swift kick, the champ scored and left the Anchors disappointed, but hopeful.

"It almost worked," Joel said, heavily breathing. "We can do this."

The second whistle blew and the Anchors ran as fast as they could. Natalie made contact with the ball and kicked it past the champ. Joel kept running to intercept it and made a kick for the goal, only to have it blocked by the champ goalie. Natalie stopped the ball with her foot and kicked it back at the goal, but once again the goalie was too good.

The kicking champ got control of the ball and raced back to the Anchors' goal to score again.

Drew watched from the sidelines and sighed. "Well, maybe we should scratch that plan."

Natalie and Joel raced to score one last time and evaded the kicking champ, but Joel tripped over himself. Natalie snagged the ball with her foot and kicked it closer to the goalie. With a powerful kick, she launched the ball into his chest and doubled him like a flip phone. She grinned and kicked the ball again, landing a shot that... scored!

Joel and Nat hugged and kissed as the goalie struggled to hand them the tip. They both read it and ran off to the bleachers as the Top One Percent took the field again... only to break down crying and leave.

* * *

 **Confessional** : **Top One Percent**

Eustace wipes his nose on his purple silk sleeve and bawls into his hands. "We're heathens now! We've eaten like them, we've become filthy like them, we've even shown emotion like them!"

Angelina blows her nose on his sleeve and sobs. "How can we live with ourselves?! We can't, can we?"

"Not unless we fully embrace the heathen culture... Oh... no, no, no... Yes, it must be done. Starting now, we're reborn as... heathens.

 **End Confessional: Heathens**

* * *

The Anchors reached the box and ran inside to find Don. They linked arms and stepped on the carpet together as Don extended a hand. "Joel and Natalie, you're the second team to arrive."

Joel shrugged. "We know. Second isn't that bad."

"However, because the Jersey Chicks were stupid enough to skip the All-In, you're actually in **1st Place!"**

With a gleeful cheer, the Anchors hugged and shook each other around.

Anne Maria gasped from the nearby couch. "Uh, Don. We're right here!"

"I know, but I don't care," replied the host. "The only way you're not eliminated is if some team gets completely lost."

* * *

Mick looked at Charlie. "Dude, I think we're lost."

Charlie looked outside at the city, seeing no sign of any stadiums or Don Boxes or Chillzones or anything. He tapped, or punched, the cab driver. "Hey, you know where you're going, right? Camp Nou?"

The driver nodded. "Ten minutes."

The Wrestlers relaxed and shared a worried glance as the driver shoved a twenty into his pocket.

* * *

 _"As the Wrestlers fail to realize that they've been going away from Camp Nou for almost an hour, more teams are beginning to figure out the football and bull challenges."_

* * *

A montage of clips showed the Samaritans battling to score and finally getting a goal. The girls hugged and waved to the other teams to wish them luck.

Across the field, the Rappers took the course one step at a time as Bobby called out where he was stepping so Shark Attack to step accordingly. Once they crossed a couple elevated walkways, they slowly crossed the plank bridge, making sure to avoid falling through the holes between boards. After that, they turned in, out, and around a two rows of pillars along the marked course. Finally, they finished up by circling the matador as he waved his red flag to lead them.

The boys popped out of the suit and grabbed their tip before starting another rap.

 _"_ You try to slow us down, you try to trip us up, butcha can't stop the power of the hood. Hood is good, good is hood, hood beats a lot of things like wood. Wood is hard, like our souls, but even your course can't broke our bones. Word!"

The Gamers angrily ran over and grabbed the suit to give it another try.

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

Shark Attack flashes his gold and grins. "Man, I told you we'd kill this show, and we've been gettin' better every time. Now we just need to get first."

Bobby-Z nods in agreement. "Oh, yeah, Shark. We gonna light up this game all the way to finish line. Blood brothers?"

"Blood brothers! Forevuh!"

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

The Samaritans and Rappers raced each other to the box, but there was a clear winner.

Don welcomed both teams to the carpet. " **Samaritans, you're in 2nd. Rappers, you're 3rd."**

Anne Maria and Nicki just had to watch as their lead slipped further and further away. But on the bright side, they only had five and a half hours left!

The Gamers finished the course and crashed into ground. Kenny leapt out of the suit, gasping for breath. "Phew, I hate it in there. The smell though..."

Sam threw the suit off and grabbed the tip with the hand that wasn't playing the 3DS. "Probably shouldn't have been playing this thing the whole time, but I'm cool with what we got."

The Lunch Ladies ran up right behind them in costume and snorted a sneeze out of the nose. Tracy kicked herself out and coughed. "Damn allergies!"

Betty grabbed the tip and chased after the Gamers. "Come on, lady. We gotta pump it."

More teams finished the soccer challenge and got tips, but the Heathens were still struggling to cope with their new lifestyle. They tried messing up their hair and clothes, but they still felt too privileged to become truly heathenous, so they decided to roll around in the mud and ditch their wallets for added effect.

* * *

Don greeted the rest of the finished teams as they arrived in the box, montage style.

 **Gamers: 4th**

 **Lunch Ladies: 5th**

 **Brothers: 6th**

 **Dream Team: 7th (again)**

LeShawna just shook her head and walked off. "You know what? No. No. No."

"Too bad we're not playing slots," Harold sighed. "Triple sevens."

 **Pranksters: 8th**

Don looked at the Jersey Chicks. "You know, that wasn't a smart move. I just thought you should know that. Consider it an additional tip."

The girls buried their heads in their hands.

* * *

Eustace and Angelina stepped onto the field once more. They thought they were last for sure, but the privilege within them wouldn't let them just quit on the spot. The champs were tired and easier to beat, so it could only go uphill from there.

Eustace roared and ran to the ball to deliver a strong kick, but missed the ball entirely and slipped into the air. Angelina sighed and let the champ score again.

The older man got to his feet and wiped the mud all over his face. "Heathen vs non-heathen, but now we're the heathens... how poetic."

The champ kicked the ball into Eustace's gut and ran it past him to score again. The couple shared a nervous glance and looked back at the champs, who were sweating and drooping.

The ball was reset and Eustace felt a surge of energy rushing through his body. With the force of a thousand heathens, he launched the ball into the air and towards the net it flew. The goalie didn't even try and block, allowing him to score. They were tired and wanted to go home, and Eustace would've been there for hours, so why not give him a free pass?

Eustace broke down again to cry his fifty year old man tears of joy as the champs handed him the tip. He kissed the ground as Angelina joined him. The champs backed up until they were off screen.

A wipe cut to the Heathens on the carpet, covered in mud and ruined to completion. " **9th Place!** You're still in!" Don announced.

The couple groaned loudly and collapsed on the yellow rug, leaving perfect outlines of their bodies.

* * *

Time passed and the Wrestlers knew something was up. Mick yelled at the driver to stop the taxi and grabbed him by the shoulder to turn him face to face. "Hey, what's the big idea?! You said ten minutes! It's been an hour! And what's with all these signs that say we're leaving Barcelona?!"

The driver smiled. "You ruin my car, you ruin my day, so I ruin your game. And someone paid me to drive you chumps in circles too, but that's not important."

The Wrestlers gasped. "We've been bimbazzled!"

"The Pranksters," Charlie growled. "They did it _again!"_

Mick kicked the driver's seat. "Turn this piece of junk around _right now,_ dude! We're in a race for last by now!"

The driver raised an eyebrow and stepped outside. "I need a dinner break."

The Wrestlers tore up the inside of the car and activated the airbags in a fit of rage.

* * *

The sun began to set on Barcelona as the Jersey Chicks were awoken by an alarm noise.

Don yawned and sipped his coffee. "Jersey Chicks, your penalty is up. You may now step on the carpet so I can get some sleep."

Both girls glared daggers towards each other as they stepped on the Carpet of Completion.

"Anne Maria, Nicki... you're the last team to reach the carpet."

Nicki sighed. "It's my fault, ain't it."

Anne Maria sighed. "Look, boo. We might not get along, and you might be a sucky-ass teammate, but we need to work together on this kinda stuff. Carry ya' own weight an' I'll carry mine."

Nicki rolled her eyes. "Well, you're a bit late on that one. We're out, remember?"

Anne Maria curled her lip. "Oh. Right."

Don smiled. "Oh, I never said you were out."

The girls perked up.

"One other team is who knows where, so we'll have to eliminate them in the field, making you the last team to technically reach the carpet. **You're in 10th!"**

Anne Maria gave Nicki a look of disgust. Nicki sighed and waved. "Fine, doll. I'll carry my own weight. All ninety pounds of it.

* * *

 **Confessional** : **Jersey Chicks**

Anne Maria fixes her poof with spray and smiles. "Even though I'd rather be eliminated, at least now I can go to some fancy Spain salon tonight and get my nails done... without Nicki."

Nicki gasps. "What?!"

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

The Wrestlers arrived at Camp Nou by another taxi and ran out to find the Don Box, but found Don himself instead. The host stopped them in their tracks. "Wrestlers, hold on one second."

Mick realized that they were in trouble and sighed. "Don't tell... we're last?"

"Correct," Don said indifferently. "As the last time to arrive... or not arrive, you're **out of the race."**

Charlie got on his knees and begged. "Don, buddy, please. You gotta give us another chance. We were sabotaged by someone!"

"Yeah," Mick said. "Someone paid the driver we had to screw us over! Please make it a non-elimination round! We didn't even get a chance today!"

"Sorry, boys," said Don. "All eliminations are final."

The Wrestlers looked down at the ground and walked off as Don signed off. "Two teams down! Find out who gets the embarrassing elimination of the week next time on The Ridonculous Race."

* * *

 **Exit Confessional: Wrestlers**

"That blew," Mick says. "Worse than the finals of 04 when I got that concussion."

"I can't believe it," says a sobbing Charlie. " _Second out..."_

"We'll never be able to show our faces in the ring again... unless-"

"Unless we use it to our advantage and become epic underdog champs, rising from the death of shame to slay all who challenge us!"

"Dude, awesome plan! Let's do it."

Charlie chuckles. "Hmm. I guess losin' early ain't so bad after all."

"I still hate the Pranksters though."

 **End Exit Confessional: Wrestlers**

* * *

 **Current Placements**

 **1\. Joel and Natalie - Anchors**

 **2\. Valerie and Vicki - Samaritans**

 **3\. Bobby-Z and Shark Attack - Rappers**

 **4\. Sam and Kenny - Gamers**

 **5\. Tracy and Betty - Lunch Ladies**

 **6\. Drew and Jake - Brothers**

 **7\. Harold and LeShawna - Dream Team**

 **8\. Holly and Caitlyn - Pranksters**

 **9\. Eustace and Angelina - Heathens**

 **10\. Anne Maria and Nicki - Jersey Chicks**

 **11\. Mick and Charlie - Wrestlers (ELIMINATED)**

 **12\. Clint and Annie - Cow-Folk (ELIMINATED)**

* * *

 **~A/N~ And down go the Wrestlers! Honestly, I didn't really know what to do with them. The original plan was to have them be berserk assholes who got disqualified for attacking Don when they got a penalty, but then I turned them into OTT one-note villain fodder. :P**

 **Review Questions:**

 **\- Who sabotaged the Wrestlers?**

 **\- Which team is going home next?**

 **\- What do you think about the Heathens now that they've fallen from grace?**

 **I'm absolutely loving this story so far and can't wait to show you guys the next episode. It will change up** _ **everything.**_ **Until then, it would be awesome for y'all to fav, follow, and review. ;)**

 **Foreseer... out!**


	4. Where the Real Race Begins

**~A/N~ Lateness not excused, but I've been working on a novel recently and haven't been working on my fics. Updates will be slow, but I will try and stick to at least one episode a month, maybe two.**

 **Also, thanks to the Guest doing edgic! My chart isn't exactly aligned with yours, but it's awesome getting a new perspective!**

 **As always, review if you enjoy (I know you will) and stay classy. :)**

* * *

 _Episode 4: Where the Real Race Begins_

* * *

"Last time on The Ridonculous Race, the teams traveled to classy Spain and did some not-so-classy dining on baby pigs. The Jersey Chicks, full of both meat and themselves, opted for a penalty and got more than they bargained for, but the biggest fallout happened to everyone's favorite snobs, whose decent into classless dining converted them into self-proclaimed heathens. However, it was The Wrestlers, sabotaged into last place by an unknown manipulator, who faced elimination. Who's going next? Find out on The Ridonculous Race."

* * *

Don stepped onto the Carpet of Completion and smiled to the camera. "Welcome back to Camp Nou of Barcelona, where our first place Anchors are receiving the first tip."

Natalie pressed the giant red button and read the tip. "Take the ferry to Monaco on the Southern coast of France! Yes! I've always wanted to go to Monaco."

* * *

 _"Monaco! Home of giant yachts, elegant seaside mansions, and fabulous casinos where people will surely throw their lives away. Enter rich, leave poor as dust. Our teams will land in Monaco and find the Don Box on the dock for the next tip as well as surprise..."_

* * *

 **Confessional: Anchors**

Natalie sighs and stares into the camera with a dreamy expression. "Monaco is near the top of my list, so this leg is a gift from God. I'd love to tour the place and chill, but we have the lead and we need to keep it."

"Well, let's just hurry and finish this leg then," Joel said. "Then you and I can hit the streets, find a nice bite, maybe find a room..."

Natalie blushed. "Oh, yeah, that sounds nice."

 **End Confessional: Anchors**

* * *

As Joel and Nat ran down the dark street by the aid of lightposts, another pair of feet caught up. They turned around to see the Samaritans right on their heels.

"Hey!" Vicki said. "Congrats on taking first."

Joel smirked. "Eh, thanks, ladies. You're not mad, right? I've interviewed a lot of passive aggressive people on the morning show and I usually can't tell."

Val playfully rolled her eyes. "Oh, no. We don't need every first place to be happy. The fact that we had the time to donate some cash to a local charity between legs made up for it."

"Cool," Natalie said. "You guys are real heroes. I just hope that saboteur doesn't screw either of us over. You heard about the dudes, right?"

Val made a slight frown. "The Wrestlers? Yeah, that sucked big time. No one deserves that treatment. I mean, who would be crooked enough to sabotage people on this race?"

"Exactly," Joel gasped. "And its pretty obvious who the saboteurs are by the way. Watch out for those Pranksters. They screwed people over on the first day and they probably took out the Wrestlers too."

Natalie glared at Joel. "But we don't for sure, remember? As a reporter, I thought you'd be more focused on the facts."

Joel got all defensive and held up his hands. "Hey, I'm just speculating. And as my girlfriend, you should know that my intuition is killer."

The Anchors didn't even notice the Samaritans pass them.

"Like that time you ate that mystery milkshake because it _looked_ like chocolate. Yeah, great intuition there."

"I didn't drink it because it looked good. I drank it because we needed ratings."

"Okay, but what about all the kicking and screaming on the floor?"

"Okay, that's enough. New headline-I mean discussion."

* * *

The Jersey Chicks grabbed the last tip and made loud squealing noises. "Monaco!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

"We nearly got knocked out last time," Anne Maria says, nearly gagging on her words. "Now that we have another chance, we need to boost our asses up to the top. Good thing the ferry probably won't leave without all the teams."

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

As the sunrise crested, the entire cast waited in line for ferry tickets. The lines were long and boring, but not for one team.

The Rappers looked over the Heathens with careful eyes, examining every ruined hair, every trashbag shirt, every shoeless foot, every muddy hand.

"So?" Eustace asked. "Are we heathenous enough yet?"

Bobby-Z nodded. "Yeah, you guys pass. Yo' asses could practically be livin' in boxes."

Angelina smiled. "Thank you, fellow heathen. We appreciate your critique."

Bobby looked at them with a confused face. "Uh, yeah, sure, ma'am... You guys take care."

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

Shark Attack leans back on his chair and gives the camera a sassy look. "So we get third place, and I'm like "Damn, we on fire!" and then those snobby rich people show up dressed up in their trash and ask us how to be _heathens._ I don't know what that means, but those fools are fifty shades of messed up."

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

 **Confessional: Heathens**

Eustace picks a dead mouse out of his hair and cringes. "We've come to realize that our actions at the All-In have made us unworthy of our privilege, and now we must live like peasants to the end of days."

Angelina puts on some pizza sauce makeup and forces a smile. "It's killing us inside."

"And we're going to Monaco, the least heathenous place in Europe! How are we going to learn the ways of the lower class in such a wealthy locale?"

 **End Confessional: Heathens**

* * *

As the Anchors reached the ticket counter, they came to realize that the ticket saleswoman didn't speak any English. Though they tried communicating with her, it was pretty pointless.

Vicki, standing behind them, motioned her way through and cut to the front. "I speak Spanish," she said. "I can get us all tickets if you want?"

Natalie nodded. "Go ahead. You're too sweet, uh..."

"Vicki," the Samaritan replied. She turned to the ticket woman. "Buenos dias, Señora. Necesitamos veinte billetes de ferry a Mónaco en la actualidad. También queremos que dos de ellos por primera embarcación también, pero ponemos el resto de las entradas en el barco después de la primera."

The woman handed over the tickets and Vicki passed them back to the other teams. "Here you go. Twenty tickets."

A sea of "thanks you" and other similar phrases came from the crowd as they dispersed with their tickets to wait for the next boat at nine-thirty.

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

"That's how you play the social game," Caitlyn mumbles. "See how everyone likes them?"

"They're okay," Holly snorts. "But they don't have any strategy like I do. All those Samaritans can hope for with all that loving is someone helping them out, but, come on, it's a race. Why would you help another team beat you, especially when that team has two wins?"

"Uh, because karma."

"Screw karma. Check it out." Holly pulled out a box. "I bought a bunch of pranking stuff last night and I'm going to town today, even if you want to be a party pooper."

"But-"

"Not listening!"

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

At eight-thirty, the Samaritans grabbed up the poker cards and chips they were playing with and snuck on the ferry just a few minutes before it was to depart. Once they showed the man the tickets, they took seats in first class and shared a relaxed smile, both girls reclined in their seats.

Back at the dock, Harold noticed a ferry leaving and went up to the board to check the times. To his surprise, a ferry departing for Monaco had just departed... with no one on it.

The lanky dweeb returned to a resting LeShawna and whispered into her ear. "Uh, I think everyone missed the ferry."

LeShawna snapped awake and looked outside. "Uh, no, our ferry ain't until 9:30. It's only 8:32. Maybe the board's wrong."

"LeShawna, no! We have later tickets."

"Yeah, but so does everyone else. The Samaritans bought us all the same ones for the same boat... unless the man at the desk cheated us."

Tracy overheard the discussion and walked over, letting out a tired yawn. "What's with all the racket? I was trying to get my nap outta the way early."

Harold flashed the papers. "We have later tickets. Some other ferry literally just left for Monaco! Gosh! Someone screwed us over."

"The Samaritans?!" gasped the Lunch Lady. "No, they're not evil. It must've been a mistake." Tracy began her storm over to the ticket man as Harold sighed in disappointment.

More teams began to join in the frenzy as it became clear one team was missing...

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

Vicki smiles to the camera. "I know we're _Samaritans,_ but, come on, that was the easiest trick in the book. I couldn't resist."

Val snickers and winks at the camera.

 **End Confessional: Samaritans**

* * *

"Those bitches are goin' down!" Nicki growled. "No hoes put me on a later boat and get out without gettin' their hair ruined fo' life. Someone find this girl a thing of acid!"

Kenny grabbed her hand. "Calm down, Nicki. We do not know for sure if they sabotaged us. We need to think rationally and make out-I mean make up as soon as possible. I'm sure this is all one big accident."

Drew looked at Jake with a glare that reeked of suspicion. "I knew those girls were here to win, but this is so low for them that it has to be a mishap, right?"

"Right," Jake said. "Odds are they just gave us the wrong tickets and the Samaritans managed to get the only early ones. I think..."

Holly ran out of nowhere crying. Everyone just looked confused until she started falling and convulsing, her hands grabbing her chest. "Doctor! D-doctor!"

Bobby-Z ran to her side and grabbed her arm. "I played a doctor in a music video once! You in good hands!"

Natalie pushed the big black guy aside. "Get away! I know what to do! My brother has seizures sometimes, so we need to keep her head-"

"BLOOOOOOD!" Holly screeched, pulling her jacket apart to release a torrent of fake blood all over Natalie. "Hahahahahaha!" And with that, she ran off howling with laughter as everyone, even Caitlyn, was left stunned for a variety of reasons.

* * *

 **Confessional: Anchors**

"Hate 'em yet?" Joel asks his blood-soaked girlfriend.

Her eye twitches and she clenches her fists. "You read my mind..."

 **End Confessional: Anchors**

* * *

 _"As the rest of the teams wait on the second ferry, the sneaky Samaritans are arriving in Monaco in the evening after a solo trip to the front of the pack..."_

* * *

Vicki and Valerie walked onto the dock and did some stretches. They had taken a pretty awesome nap to rejuvenate their spirits and felt restored, filled with energy, but not guilty. First place was going to be theirs, and nobody said Samaritans had to be total angels.

"There's the Don Box!" Val shouted, running to the dispenser and grabbing the slip of paper that popped out.

Vicki read it aloud. "Travel on foot to the penthouse mansion atop the Tour Odéon and find a tip hidden somewhere in the room. WARNING: Boomerang Board ahead!"

* * *

 _"The Tour Odéon is the world's most expensive penthouse mansion, as well as the only one with an epic waterslide included in the package. It costs 250 million dollars, so it's highly unlikely that anyone on this race would ever be able to buy it, even if they win. To find their next tip, teams will need to search the various rooms and outdoor areas for hidden tips, but they better finish fast, because this leg contains the first Boomerang Board. It can only be used once by the team that chooses to do so first, but each time can only use a Boomerang once, so timing is crucial, not that they're that smart anyways, but food for thought."_

* * *

"Good thing we're in first," Val said. "I'd hate to get boomeranged this early."

"Right. Let's get to that mansion... wherever it is."

Val looked around the sky, looking for any kind of mansion penthouse. "I've been here before, but this penthouse place is new to me. Let's just ask."

* * *

On the second ferry, Eustace and Angelina were crouched down in the engine room. Drops of water plopped onto their cold heads as they shivered in place.

* * *

 **Confessional: Heathens**

Eustace wipes ash from his eyes. "We are not worthy of rooms. We are worthy of _ash and death!_ "

 **End Confessional: Heathens**

* * *

Upstairs, where the sane people resided, sat the Lunch Ladies. Tracy enjoyed a refreshing coke while Betty just looked out at the open sea.

"This is the life, ain't it?" Betty said, smirking. "We got back up to the front of the pack and now we're on a cruise! For _free_!"

"Free is always better," Tracy yawned. "I've learned a lot from serving kids at school, and the most important thing is that you eat for free when you can. I eat those burgers now an' then and that's the my lunch. No camera's ever caught me."

Betty pointed to the screen. "What about that one?"

The camo-clad woman got stone faced. "Shit."

Across the deck, Harold stared out to sea with LeShawna by his side. The sun was slowly growing closer to the horizon and it would be dark within a couple of hours, so the beautiful sunset was the only positive about being tied for last.

"I can't believe those Samaritans did that," LeShawna said. "And here I was, thinkin' I could trust those pretty little white girls. Hell, they probably knocked out the Wrestlers too."

"I don't think so," Harold said suspiciously. "The person or persons who targeted the Wrestlers wanted to stay under the radar like us. They didn't make it obvious nor did they get caught. The Samaritans openly screwed us, accident or not. No, the real culprit has to be the least likely team around, a team that knew they couldn't beat those guys. It should be so obvious, but I can't narrow it down to a handful yet."

LeShawna glared at the Lunch Ladies. "What about them? They've already screwed people over?"

"Too direct and confrontational."

"The Prankster chicks?"

"Too screenhoggy."

"Those dumbass hoes from Jersey?"

"Not smart enough."

"Well, then they'd be the likeliest because they're the unlikeliest."

Harold went into deep thought. "Maybe. I just want to have a target in mind. If we get a Boomerang soon, I want to use it perfectly."

At the front of the bow, the Rappers were just chilling and listening to their own music.

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

"We got a strategy," Bobby says. "It's just be cool. Stay outta those fights, be supportive, fly under the radar, boom, blam, bing, baby. Million dollars."

Shark Attack nods in agreement.

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

Shark Attack heard the sounds of bitching and opened one eye. The Jersey Chicks were having a verbal fight a few feet away, but the young artist wanted nothing to do with it.

"Hey!" Anne Maria shouted. "Black guy with the S jacket. O'er here. Tell this hoe that we ain't got time for shopping today. Tell her, now!"

Nicki flipped a hand up. "Uh, tell _Annie_ here about how she's a terrible leada'. She's like ' _Oh, we gonna work together like a pair a bad bitches and slay these fools'_ but she's just bein' a bossy hoe."

Shark Attack closed his eye and went back to chilling. The girls just glared each down until Kenny popped up between them.

"Hey, alliancees!" sang the gamer. "How's it going? Need a mediator, 'cause I resolved a lot of fights at tournaments over the years. Nicki, you're totally right."

"Excuse me!" Anne Maria interjected. "Don't make me spray you down, boo."

Nicki smiled as Kenny explained. "She's right. You try to control the team and it puts stress on Nicki to succeed. You should be more relaxed. Take... take a chill pill."

Anne Maria whipped out her can and sprayed Kenny down, only for Nicki whip out a can of her own and spray Anne Maria. Kenny coughed up a fit and scrambled away from the carnage.

* * *

 **Confessional: Kenny**

"Girls are wierd," he says, standing next to the railing alone. "They fight and yell, but they're really sweet, and soft, and bundles of joy and yeeeeeeah, that sounded creepy. I've just never had a girlfriend before. I'm not desperate, but everyone I know has one and I feel left out. If only life was like my simulator, where hot girls practically drool over me unconditionally. But I know that Nicki likes me back, so that's step one down. Now I just need to ask her out at the perfect time before one of us is eliminated."

 **End Confessional: Kenny**

* * *

The Samaritans arrived at the foot of the nearly fifty story Tour Odéon by foot, dripping sweat from every pore. Valerie fanned herself with her cap and rolled up her sleeves while Vicki adjusted her hair behind her glasses to hold it in place.

The girls entered the building and thanks to the power of editing, arrived at the penthouse in a quick wipe of the screen. The place was breathtaking. Every carpet, every ornament, every piece of furniture, every little inch of the place. Everything was perfect and extravagant. Outside, there was a twisting waterside surrounded by walls of glass that reflected the cityscape sprawled out below.

"Let's split up," Vicki panted. "You check the living room and outside, I'll check the other rooms."

"Got it."

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

"Getting here forty minutes early or so gives us a huge advantage," Val says. "I hate leaving our alliance behind, and yeah, that was a dumb move socially, but we have cover to fall back on if they're mad. I mean, how can anyone hate two _sweet, innocent do-gooders like us?"_

 **End Confessional: Samaritans**

* * *

 _"As the Samaritans search for their tip, the other nine teams are finally in Monaco as the sun begins to set, setting the mood for an epic showdown, or a bunch of getting lost."_

* * *

The nine teams raced for tips and read the tagline at the bottom.

"BOOMERANG!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

"Great, we're screwed," Cait groans. "There's no way we're not getting Boomeranged now!"

"Hold up," Holly says. "We just need to get to it first... or second after the Samaritans. But it's not like we're a huge threat, right? No one would waste it on us when they could slay a stronger team."

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

Joel leaned in to Holly's ear and whispered a kiss of death. "Booooomeeeeraaaaang..."

Holly's eyes went wide and she started to panic. "Oh, oh no."

Caitlyn facepalmed. "See what I mean? We gotta move."

Her partner nodded. "Uh, yeah. Right."

* * *

 **Confessional: Pranksters**

Holly buries her face in her hat. "Ugggggghhauagahahu!"

Caitlyn just frowns.

 **End Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

 _"As the rest of our teams travel on foot to the Tour Odéon, the Samaritans are busy looking for their tip..."_

* * *

Valerie looked in some vases and under every single little decoration. She flipped covers and mattresses, opened cupboards, and basically tore the bedroom apart. Outside, Vicki climbed up to the top of the waterside and paced around the complex. Then she saw it: a tip hanging over the slide a few feet down.

"Val! I found one!" she shouted, prepping herself for the ride down. The girl stripped her good clothes down to her bra and panties and dropped her shed clothes down to the ground below. She rested her butt on the slippery surface and began her descent, water sloshing in her face as she flew down. She snagged the tip and slipped down to the bottom where she went flying into the crystalline pool.

Val ran outside and pulled her partner out of the pool. "Awesome job, baby."

Vicki hurried to collect her dropped clothes. "Thanks, but what does it say?"

As Vicki redressed, Valerie read the tip. "Travel on foot to the Casino de Monte Carlo and locate the next Don Box! YEEESSSSSS!"

* * *

 _"The Casino de Monte Carlo is among the most illustrious casinos in the world, and today, our teams must travel here to the first floor hall where their next tips await..."_

* * *

As the questionable Samaritans raced back into the elevator and out the building, the next wave of teams approached. In the front of the pack were the Lunch Ladies, Jersey Chicks, Rappers, and Anchors. A few hundred yards behind them were the Dream Team, Brothers, Pranksters, and waaay behind, the Gamers and Heathens.

The first four teams entered the elevator while everyone else waited below for the lift to come back down.

Drew walked over to Harold and LeShawna and smiled. "Hey, big fan."

"Thanks, sugar," LeShawna said impatiently, but with a slight smile to show she wasn't completely pissed about missing the elevator.

"What's up?" Harold asked. "Other than the elevator of course."

Drew shrugged. "Well, we're a little flustered on Team Brothers over what the girls may or may not have done, but we'll get it sorted out. They're not here, so I guess they'll be ahead the whole leg. Sucks for me because I have some choice words for them."

"You mean the Samaritans?" LeShawna asked. "Pfft. Yeah, those white girls got some nerve. I just hope they don't go and boomerang our asses to last place."

"I feel you, but I'm not worried about the boomerang being used on us," Drew replied, adjusting and cleaning his glasses. "Plus, we can only use it once anyway, so using it now would just waste it unless you're in a race for last."

Harold gave the tall brother a suspicious look. " _You're_ not worried? Hmm. Interesting."

* * *

At the top floor, the four leading teams began to scour the penthouse. No one spoke to the opposition, but everyone was on the look out for tips, even if they were in someone else's hands.

Anne Maria reached into an antique vase and felt something made of paper. She grinned and pulled out the tip. "Nicki! I got it! Let's go, hoe!"

Nicki nearly orgasmed. "Thank gawd! I thought we'd be here forever."

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

"Foist place," Nicki says, flashing the tip. "Well, second behind those lousy Samaritan scumbags, but betta' than last again."

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

The next wave of teams, and by that I mean the whole lot of five, squeezed out of the elevator and collapsed in a pile on the freshly vaccumed carpet.

From under the pile, Jake let out a shriek. "Fan te tap, Draw. Huwry."

Drew pushed his way off the top of the dogpile and ran into the bathroom. He checked in the sink, in the toilet, in the cabinet, in the shower, everywhere. Betty and Holly entered the room and accidentally shoved him into the toilet, dunking his head as he screamed for help. Luckily, his thrashing pulled a tip out of the drain and into his mouth. The brother coughed and gagged the paper up before nearly passing out.

Eustace was sweating. The fanciness of the penthouse was worse than anything he could imagine and he wanted to just jump off that roof and die to end the pain. But he didn't. He was, despite the new moniker, still proud deep inside. He cringed as he reached under the mahogany table. The wood was so hard and so fancy and it burned, but he felt something underneath and ripped it off.

"Angelina, darling! I found a tip!"

He dropped the tip on the table for a minute to wipe the lavishness off his hands and got a nasty surprise.

"Mine!" Betty said, snagging his tip and running off back to the elevator with Tracy.

"Cheater!" screamed the Heathens. "Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!"

The Lunch Ladies high fived and the elevator went down, leaving just six teams left in the penthouse.

* * *

 **Confessional: Heathens**

"Maybe we should boomerang _them,"_ Angelina snarls.

 **End Confessional: Heathens**

* * *

 _"As some teams struggle to find their tips in the penthouse, the Samaritans are coming up on the Casino de Monte Carlo and couldn't be happier..."_

* * *

Val and Vicki ran through the gates of the casino and collapsed to the ground.

"Never... running... again," the latter gasped. "I gotta work out more."

"Same," Val groaned, dragging herself over to the fountainside Don Box. She reached up and grabbed the tip. "It's an All-In. Dig around in the fountain to find a Ridonculous Race branded poker chip before heading inside to the next Don Box."

"At least we can cool down," Vicki said, using her headband to mop up all the sweat on her face and neck. "Something tells me we shouldn't have worn heavy jackets to this show."

"All part of the plan," Val said with a warm smile.

The girls began searching as the sun disappeared from view completely and the city came alive with beautiful colors and radiant golden lights. The fountain was lit up around the edges, so the chips would be easy to spot if anyone could find one.

After a good five minutes, Val pulled a chip of the pool. "Gotcha! Let's hurry! The others could show up anytime and I _really_ don't want to explain today."

* * *

 _"Back in the hotel, the Anchors, Dream Team, Pranksters, Heathens, and Gamers have found travel tips, leaving the Rappers in dead last..."_

* * *

Shark Attack started panicking and breaking all the vases. "Come on, tip! You gotta be here somewhere."

"It's the last one, man," Bobby sighed. "We could be here for hours."

Shark shook his head. "Nuh-uh, no way, no how. We're gettin' straight outta this Compton if it kills me. I work too damn hard to go out early!" He started tossing mattresses and pulling out drawers. He climbed to the highest point of the slide and scanned every inch of the ride. He checked the fridge and pulled out a roasted pheasant, reached into the bird, and pulled out... a tip!

"Boom, son! Rappers be back in this!" Bobby cheered, magnifying his partner.

* * *

 **Confessional: Rappers**

Shark smiles and gives Bobby a fist bump. "I credit our success to that never-give-up attitude we have. If we're ever low, we just lift each other up and keep on truckin' to the end."

 **End Confessional: Rappers**

* * *

The Samaritans found the next Don Box in the main hall of the Casino de Monte Carlo. The place was amazing to anyone with eyes. Every inch was decorated with gold and jewels and every tile of the floor was intricate like a snowflake. Giant pillars lined the walls and gave the place a temple-like vibe.

Behind the Don Box was a screen with a Boomerang symbol on top and the pictures of ten teams on the face of it. Vicki grabbed the next tip and read it aloud. "Before you move on, now's the chance to Boomerang somebody. Touch the picture of the team you want sent back or leave it be. Warning: teams can only use a Boomerang board once during the entire race."

"Skip it," Val said. "Might come in handy later in the season. What's the next challenge?"

Vicki read down. "It's a Random Botch. Whoever isn't holding this tip must face off in a one on one poker game against a world champ player!"

Val rubbed her hands and squealed.

* * *

 _"To receive their next tips, one member of each team must face off against world class poker stars in a high stakes battle on the table. To win, racers just need to win all the chips on the table, but that's easier said than done._ "

* * *

Val entered the buzzing room of gamblers and partiers. The beat of "Poker Face" played in the background as she approached the marked tables and took a seat.

The man looked up and groaned. "Seriously? Should I just give you the tip?"

"Now, now, Jean, you know I don't roll that way," Val teased playfully. "I have a code to follow." She flipped her sunglasses on and tipped her cap. "Game on."

The game was Hold-Em, and it was to be short.

Jean glared her down and put up his ante. She did the same. Each player started with five hundred dollars worth of chips and it was going to be a back and forth battle... or maybe not.

After looking at her hand, Val pushed her entire stack to the center. "All in."

Jean raised an eyebrow. "Fold."

Val smiled through her stone cold poker face and pulled all the chips to her side, including his ten dollar ante.

The next round of cards gave her a pair of queens and three fours, a full house. The Samaritan remained cold as ice as Jean raised bet 300. She raised him to 400 and he matched.

"Full house," Jean naively laughed. "Threes and eights."

Val smirked and flashed her hand. "Queens and fours, bro. Pay up!"

Jean slammed his hand down in frustration as he was left with just a fifty dollar ante. With the next hand dealt, Val saw two pairs, aces and sevens.

Jean had no money and just dropped his hand of nothing. "Take it." He handed her the tip and groaned face down into his arms.

Val blew him a kiss goodbye and joined up with her partner. Both girls high fived and opened the tip. "Head to the nearest dock and find a Ridonculous Race marked speedboat. Race out into the Mediterranean to find Don and the next Chill Zone on a flagged yacht! Come on, Vicki. Let's get that first place again!"

Just as the girls ran past the Don Box and Boomerang board, the Brothers turned the corner looking pissed as all hell.

"Hold it, goody-goodies!" Drew shouted, chasing them down as they tried to avoid being spotted. They weren't very fast and just stopped to face their supposed alliancees, both girls sweating bullets.

"Hey, what's up, guys?" Val asked, her poker face back on.

"Don't _what's up_ me, sister!" the elder brother growled, poking Val in the shoulder. "We know you sabotaged the rest of us to get ahead. Don't even try to hide it!"

Vicki started racing through her mind, trying to salvage some kind of reasonable explanation. "Wait, we did _what_?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "Don't play dumb. You bought late tickets for everyone but yourselves. We waited almost an hour for the boat after you guys left."

Val sighed. "Oh my God, Vicki, you must've gotten the wrong tickets from the vendor. Well, maybe you didn't, but maybe he messed up?"

Vicki gasped. "I asked for the earliest tickets they had. I guess he had two on the first boat left and... Wow, guys. I-I'm sorry. If we had known we-"

"It's-it's okay," Drew sighed, his anger subsided. "Everyone makes mistakes. And plus, it's not like you guys hurt anyone in particular. We're all pretty close together."

The girls gave the guys smiles and hugs.

"Thanks for understanding," Vicki said. "You guys are the best."

"No problem," said Drew. "We're still in this alliance to the end, right?"

Jake perked up. "I thought you didn't- OW!"

Drew jabbed his brother in the arm. "I wasn't sure at first, but... you're a great pair to work with, girls. I trust you."

"Same, fam," Val said. "But no time! We have a host to find!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Samaritans**

"Idiots," Vicki laughs. "I can't believe they bought that!"

"Lucky us," Val chimes in. "I thought we were busted there for a minute, but it seems our strategy is working."

Both girls smile and giggle.

"The best part is," Vicki says. "They don't even know who we are yet!"

Val turns to the camera. "We came into the game with plan: win. And to do that, we knew we needed to cover ourselves and arm the team with the tools to get every advantage possible."

"The Samaritan story, for example," Vicki adds. "Sure, we've been all over the world and know all about these different places, but, hehe, we're _not Samaritans."_

Val tipped her hat. "We're _actually..."_

Both girls open their jackets and split the crimson hearts in two, revealing two black spades underneath. Two devilish grins creep up to their cheeks.

" _ **The Poker Stars!"**_

"We're here to win," says Val with a clever smirk. "And we don't care who we have to beat and how we have to beat 'em."

Vicki shrugs her shoulders. "The Wrestlers were an easy target. Big, strong, egotistical, all great winner qualities that would help them get to the end."

Val nods. "And with the Brothers and most teams trusting us for being 'nice' people, nobody will ever see it coming!"

"We're good."

" _Really_ good."

"This is where the _real_ Race begins, and we're as real as it gets."

 **End Confessional: Poker Stars**

* * *

The teams parted ways as more teams arrived at the Casino de Monte Carlo. The Jersey Chicks, Lunch Ladies, and Anchors had the early lead and passed the latest additions to the villain hall of fame, who simply apologized and explained the issue with each and every team they saw.

Inside, three teams were already playing poker, leaving the Anchors to think about using the Boomerang before the Pranksters showed up.

"Okay," Joel said. "I want them gone, but what if we need our one Boomerang later in the season?"

Natalie bit and tugged at her lip. "I know, but... I just want them out. They've already sabotaged too many teams for their own good and I think they deserve this. We're targets, so this is just as defensive as it is offensive."

"Offensive to them," Joel chortled. "Good one, right?... Uh, no? Okay, let's just... poker, right."

Nat tapped the photo of the Pranksters and grabbed the tip...

Nicki walked up the poker table and started unzipping her top. The player cringed and shouted back. "No, stop! What are you doing?!"

"Showin' my boobs for an easy tip, boo."

The player shuddered. "Ew. No thank you. If you want it, you have to play instead of... _that._ "

Nicki gasped and juggled her tits. "You sayin' these ain't good enough?!"

"Just sit down and play... please."

Nicki gave in and took her seat, somewhat disappointed that the hot poker player wasn't interested.

More teams arrived and the racers playing were decided. Drew, Betty, Nicki, Joel, and Sam were sitting at tables while the others just sat back and watched anxiously.

* * *

" _Outside, the remaining four teams are still struggling to find their chips.."_

* * *

Holly started to hyperventilate as she realized that the Anchors had left and were probably going to Boomerang her. Caitlyn searched hard around the fountain and tried to keep spirits high, but Holly wasn't having it.

"I just don't wanna go like this," the blonde gasped through a panic. "I-I don't want to go home."

The Asian girl gave her partner a shake on the shoulder. "Hey, don't give up! The other teams might've Boomeranged someone else. You never know until it's over."

"But it's taking so long," she whined back. "If we can't find this coin, how can we find another one?"

"We keep searching! Just try, okay?"

Across the fountain, Eustace and Angelina sobbed into the water. "So... much... money! And we can't have it!"

"Babies," LeShawna groaned from afar. "Those fools are delusional from the D to the L and everything in between."

Harold pulled out a marked chip. "And unlucky. Booyah!"

* * *

 **Confessional: Dream Team**

LeShawna rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips. "Ever since those dumbass snobs got all mopey and whiny, I've had serious thoughts about jumping off the next plane without a chute. Seriously! Can't a girl get some peace and quiet on this show?"

"It's an existential crisis," Harold explains. "They're just scared about who they are where they belong, what normal people do. Stuff like that. I'd feel sorry for them... but yeah, they're pretty annoying."

 **End Confessional: Dream Team**

* * *

Bobby-Z found a chip as well, leaving the Heathens and Pranksters fighting for last place.

Holly dug through piles of coins and chips, but just collapsed, butt down on the edge of the fountain. Caitlyn trudged over and slapped her face. "Hey! Get up! You are _not_ quitting again."

"But we're-"

"I don't care! You always do this, Holly. When things don't go your way, you just give up and cry about it. Like, get a grip and _try_ for once!"

Holly sniffed and stood up, wiping a couple tears away with her sleeve. "Okay. I'll try."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Poker Stars reached the dock and took the first of ten speed boats. They had to dodge a few yachts and kayaks to get out past the traffic, but once they did, the RR-marked ship was a couple miles in sight.

"There!" Valerie pointed starboard. "That must be it!"

The ship was few hundred feet long, about the size of an average cruise ship. The hull was golden and trailed off down the sides in a brilliant flash of red and white. A giant race logo was slapped on the side and glowed in the night.

After a few minutes of fighting rough seas, the girls made it to the ship and jumped onto the rope ladder that someone had conveniently left hanging over the side.

Vicki climbed onboard and squeezed the water out of her long brown hair. She looked around for Don, but the host was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

 _"Once teams arrive at the ship, they'll need to hunt down both myself and the Chillzone... here in the dining hall. The last team to climb aboard and hit the carpet may not survive this round, so hopefully they're hide and seek skills are up to par."_

* * *

"Let's look around," Val said. "He's probably somewhere big and open, so let's not go room to room."

"Right."

* * *

 **Confessional: Poker Stars**

"We're both world class poker players, so we know how people think," Vicki brags.

Val nods asuringly. "The only place he'd put the carpet is somewhere big and open, so either in the dining or dance halls, or on top of the ship somewhere."

 **End Confessional: Poker Stars**

* * *

Nicki was one hand away from winning. She had all but a few dollars on her side and her opponent was getting nervous.

"What's wrong?" she asked, perking up her boobs a little bit. "Can't get comfy?"

The guy just sighed and gave her the tip. "I lost this. There's no way to win, so just... just go. Please."

Nicki let out a hyper "Whoop! Badda-boom-bang, hun!" and joined up with Anne Maria.

"Not bad," she said to Nicki. "You handled yo'self pretty damn well."

"Yeah, I did. Prolly cause I wasn't dealin' with you." Anne Maria's face turned red with anger and Nicki sighed. "Never mind. Let's just go get our place."

* * *

Holly finally found a chip. "Oh, thank God!"

Caitlyn helped her out of the water and dragged her towards the steps leading to the casino. "Good job, but let's just hope we're not-"

"GAHHH!" Holly screeched. There it was. Just a few feet away: their team photo with a giant Boomerang symbol over it, red as blood.

Caitlyn grabbed Holly by the arm and dragged her back down the stairs and back to the fountain where the Heathens were just finding a chip.

Holly broke free and just sat down on the ground. "I know you don't want me to quit, but we're last place and now we're Boomeranged and..." She started crying. "And I'm so sorry I did this to us."

Caitlyn stopped searching. "What?"

"It's my fault." Holly turned around and had red eyes and an ugly cry face. "If I wasn't so prank-happy in the first leg, then we'd be in the race. It's all my fault that everyone hates us."

The Asian girl hugged her sobbing friend. "Holly, I-I know. But we still have a chance if we hurry. The next challenge could take someone hours to do and us five minutes, whatever it is. And hey, as long as we reach the carpet of completion, we might get saved by a non-elimination. Just... don't give up on me. You're a strong girl."

Holly smiled and started digging through the fountain. "Okay. I will."

* * *

Inside, Drew and Betty each won their tips after a couple games. Drew calmly shook hands with the champ and took the tip from her hands, but Betty was more like:

"Yes! Owned, son! You just got served a spoon of mashed potatoes with booyah gravy!"

Harold heard his line being stolen and shot the Lunch Lady a nasty glare as LeShawna played her match.

Sam eyed the champ he was playing against like a hawk. Every movement was registered, every blink every twitch. The champ tossed down her hand. Sam tossed down his.

"Aces beat queens," she said, taking Sam's money for herself. "Nice try, but you'll have to pull out all the stops to beat me."

"With pleasure," Sam growled.

* * *

 **Confessional: Gamers**

Sam rolls his eyes. "I've played enough video poker to know when to do whatever. She was just distracting me, that's all. Those eyes, those lips, those... Dakota, I'm talking about you... uh, that hot tail, ooh lah lah, am I right?"

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Nice save," he deadpanned.

 **End Confessional: Gamers**

* * *

"All in," Sam taunted, feeling good about his hand. "Chicken?"

The champ gave Sam a death stare and pushed her chips forward to match his mediocre stack.

"Four sixes!" cheered the gamer, tossing his card down. "Pay up!"

The champ gave Sam the pot, leaving her with slightly less than him.

 _"Alright, Samuel,"_ he thought to himself. " _One finishing blow, like the downward-upward sideways strike in Food Fighters 3.0..."_

The hand was dealt and Sam felt good. "All in... again."

The champ complied with a smirk.

Sam revealed his cards. "Oh yeah, two pair! Queens and twos!"

The champ sighed and tossed down her pairs of jacks and fives, as well as a tip. "There, fat boy. Enjoy."

Sam took it with a sly smile. "Thank you, Madame."

Shark Attack got his tip soon after, and Joel after the Rapper. It started to become clear that the champs weren't exactly taking the challenge seriously, because even a novice would never go all in as much as they were.

* * *

The Pranksters found their second chip and hurried inside just as the next wave exited the casino. Caitlyn grabbed the tip, forcing Holly to do the challenge.

"I don't play poker," Holly said, tears starting to form. "I'll never win."

"Just _try_ it." Cait pushed Holly onto the casino floor where she took a seat across from a fat Frenchman with a slightly douchey look.

"Uh, hey," Holly said. "How do you play this game?"

Jean rolled his eyes. "You get two cards, five get laid out, you use your two and any three in the five."

"Uuuuuh-huh, right."

* * *

 _"As Holly and Angelina struggle with the poker challenge, the first place team is on their way to me as more teams are just getting out on the water..."_

* * *

The Poker Stars ran down the steps and past the open door to find Don waiting on the carpet. They took a few more steps and heard the words they were dying to hear.

 **"Samaritans, you're in 1st.** Again **."**

They quickly celebrated with a high five, but Val had an announcement.

"Don, call us The Poker Stars."

"Uh, okay," Don said with a shrug. "Whatever lets you sleep at night, because I'm sure your dirty deeds keep you up with guilt. Kidding of course, because you're awful people and it fills you with joy."

Vicki coughed. "Ahem. Don, you have no right to judge us. We're playing the game how it should be played, whether you like it or not. We'll lie, cheat, and steal if it means winning this season. So far, I'd say we're well on our way."

Don glared daggers at the girls. "Just go hang out. I don't have time to argue with you."

"You _wish_ you did," Val said.

* * *

 **Confessional: Poker Stars**

Val holds up nine fingers. "Right now, the first place record is eight, held by my favorite team: The Ice Dancers, who should've won and would have had the Surfers not returned and robbed them of the win. Our goal is to win _nine_ legs, so that's only six more to go." She puts down three fingers.

"I think we can do it," Vicki says. "There are only nine legs left in the race, so we need to win six to beat the record and five to tie."

"We don't really need the cash. We play poker for a living, so we already have millions of our own, but what I want is the _title. The title of Ridonculous Race winner."_

"People _will_ hate us, but they just don't respect good gameplay. Simple as that."

 **End Confessional: Poker Stars**

* * *

Back on the casino, Angelina was up to a near victory. She had most of the chips and a three of a kind in her hand. All she had to do was play this right and-

"Ugh! Wrecked!" shouted LeShawna. "Finally!"

The Dream Team collected their tip and beat it. It was down to two.

Holly had already lost twice and was close to losing a third time. She decided to throw all in on a pair of fours and managed to get a hundred dollars back on her side.

"You're a fighter," said Jean. "I like that."

Holly started feeling uncomfortable and went all in again, trying to get the tip as soon as possible.

Angelina threw down her cards. "Three jacks, you pompous snob. Hmm, sounds... weird."

The champ shrugged and revealed his two pairs. With a flick of the wrist, he handed over the tip to an ecstatic Angelina, who rushed over to husband and cried tears of joy. She had conquered a non-heathen and it was delicious.

Holly started panicking again and started crying. She ended up losing another hand and almost quit, but remembered that it was all her to to get them out of this mess. She got them in, so it was only fair. With only a few chips left, she went all in and hoped for the best.

* * *

The Jersey Chicks and Brothers stopped their boats near the ladder and the ladies went up first. It was a close race no matter who got to the carpet first.

Both teams ran straight into the interior of the ship and checked down every hallway and every in every open space as intense music played.

Don heard footsteps coming down the hallway outside the dining room and greeted the teams as they raced down the red carpet to the Chill Zone.

Drew had a lead and hit the rug first, but Jake's slower speed allowed the chicks to pass him up and officially finish first.

 **"Jersey Chicks, 2nd. Brothers, you're 3rd!"**

Anne Maria and Nicki cheered as Drew just shrugged.

* * *

 **Confessional: Brothers**

"I hate being slow!" Jake groans. "If I was taller and less stubby, we'd have gotten second no doubt."

"Or I could carry you?"

"No. Just no."

 **End Confessional: Brothers**

* * *

 **Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

"From last to almost foist!" Nicki squeals. "Could that've gone any bettuh?"

Anne Maria shrugs and smiles. "Actual first? But no, we did good. Not sure how you did that, but good job."

"Thanks, boo."

 **End Confessional: Jersey Chicks**

* * *

More boats arrived and more teams climbed on board. Don announced all their placings, montage style.

 **Lunch Ladies: 4th**

 **Gamers: 5th**

Don pointed to the squid on Sam's head. "Uh, nice pet, Sam."

Sam shrugged. "He just latched on when I fell off the ladder. He's kind of our new mascot because Splatoon is a sick game. Got a bowl or a tank or something?"

"No, but I have tartar sauce."

Sam and Kenny gasped. "No!"

 **Rappers: 6th**

 **Anchors: 7th**

Harold and LeShawna arrived. " **8th to the Dream Team!** At least it's not seventh place, right?"

"I miss seventh," Harold sighed.

Don brushed them aside. "Only two teams remain. Who will live to see another leg and who might be walking the plank?"

* * *

Holly grabbed the tip and broke down crying tears of joy. "T-thank you! I thought I'd be here for years!"

Caitlyn helped her partner up and they hugged. "Let's go win this race. We're not out till we're out."

Holly wiped the tears away. "Yeah. Let's do that."

The Heathens jumped in a speedboat and took off after searching for a good twenty minutes. The Pranksters jumped in less than a minute after them and pushed the boat up to max speed.

"I see the Heathens!" Holly shouted, pointing to the dot out at sea. "We can catch them."

Eustace looked behind his boat to see the girls catching up. "Oh, Lord have mercy! The cheater girls are coming! Faaaasterrr!" Angelina revved up the engine and the boat boosted up to its own max speed.

The yacht was in sight for both teams and the race was close, just a few hundred meters between them. Though the Heathens made it to the ladder first, the Pranksters had caught up quickly and were at their heels thanks to the adrenaline surges in their bodies.

The final two teams shot glares of disgust at each other and split up to find Don. The Pranksters took the interior while the Heathens searched on the deck.

A montage of clips showed heads popping into doors and out of vents, people opening random doors and frowning, nobody actually finding the Chill Zone, and more failure.

Don heard steps in the hall and raised his arm. "And who's it gonna be?!"

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 **"9th Place to the Heathens!"**

The team hugged and cried tears of joy. Eustace fell to the ground and rolled around on the lush carpet. Angelina kissed the ground as Don just made a (:I) face.

Once the Heathens had cleared out, Holly and Caitlyn bolted through the doors and ran straight to the carpet. The girls were sweating like they had just ran the length of the entire ship.

"Holly and Caitlyn..."

"Yes?" Holly asked, her heart stopped from the nerves.

" **You're in last place."**

The blonde buried her head in Cait's shoulder. Cait hugged her. "It's okay."

Holly raised her head. "But it's all my fault."

"I know, but I think this was a good learning experience for you. Maybe now you'll be more considerate towards people, huh?"

Holly reluctantly nodded.

Don laughed. "Who said you were out?!"

Holly beamed. "Oh my God! No way! We're safe?!"

Don dropped his smile. "What? No, you're out of the race. I said you were."

The girls looked dead inside. No crying though.

Holly growled to Don. "Ready, Cait?"

Caitlyn smiled and pulled out a pair of eggs. "Ready."

The camera panned up as Don let out a scream of horror.

* * *

 **Exit Confessional: Pranksters**

Holly sighs. "So much for that, huh?"

"Nah," Cait says. "Even if we didn't win the million, I think we gained a lot from this show. You learned to be a better person and I learned to stand up and take charge. I'd call that stuff priceless."

"True, and hey, at least our views should go up. Probably could've shamelessly advertised more, but at least our names are out there."

"Totally, and maybe we'll come back someday. I'd say we have a pretty good All-Star story for a team that went out third."

"I'd like that."

"But I'm just wondering something. Who framed us for sabotaging the Wrestlers?"

"No idea, but if there's one team I'm rooting against it's them."

 **End Exit Confessional: Pranksters**

* * *

Don, covered in egg, stood in front of the camera. "Three teams down, epic reveals, and the first Boomerang! Find out what surprises are on the way next time on... The Ridonculous Race!... Anyone have a warm rag? Anyone?!"

* * *

 **Current Placements**

 **1\. Valerie and Vicki - Poker Stars**

 **2\. Anne Maria and Nicki - Jersey Chicks**

 **3\. Drew and Jake - Brothers**

 **4\. Tracy and Betty - Lunch Ladies**

 **5\. Sam and Kenny - Gamers**

 **6\. Bobby-Z and Shark Attack - Rappers**

 **7\. Joel and Natalie - Anchors**

 **8\. Harold and LeShawna - Dream Team**

 **9\. Eustace and Angelina - Heathens**

 **10\. Holly and Caitlyn - Pranksters (ELIMINATED)**

 **11\. Mick and Charlie - Wrestlers (ELIMINATED)**

 **12\. Clint and Annie - Cow-Folk (ELIMINATED)**

* * *

~ **A/N~ Something tells me that was a shock. XD**

 **Yes, the Poker Stars are a thing now and I'm so excited to write them properly after three episodes of niceness and coverups. Are they the true villains? Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes there's always someone worse out there. ;)**

 **Amazing Race and Big Brother fans might see some characters from those shows if they've seen the right seasons.**

 **As always, reviews are much appreciated. Favs and follows too. We all love those.**

 **Until the next episode, take care, guys and have a good one. :)**

 **Foreseer... out!**


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